Queen Beaches

More things that make me happy

2008-11-12T20:28:00.003-05:00

...everybody!

Things that make me laugh

2008-11-12T11:41:00.001-05:00

This is why Warren Buffet should be the new Treasury Secretary.

I need some therapy!

2008-10-30T11:56:00.004-04:00

I'm using my moderately public forum to promote the greatest charity event in the history of ever (according to me, anyway): Retail Therapy IV: Shopping For A Cause.

Some of you may be familiar with past Retail Therapy events in which we had a fleet of limousines chauffer dozens of shoppers on a one of a kind boutique crawl. As fun as that was (and believe me it was!), we found ourselves restricted to a limited number of participants. In an effort to share the wealth this year we have changed things up a bit.

Your favorite Outer Banks boutiques, designers and artists are taking over a gorgeous oceanfront home in Nags Head and turning it into the ultimate trunk show. It's the perfect opportunity to get together with friends, enjoy some food and drinks compliments of your favorite restaurants, and shop OBX's finest all under one roof. We've got plenty of surprises in store for you as well! You can knock out all your holiday shopping, pick up a little something for yourself, natch, AND you get to support a local charity in the process. Seriously, does it get much better than that?

I'll be back with more details & to keep you updated with all the info you need, including a list of participating boutiques & restaurants. In the meantime, here are the details:

Friday, November 14
6-9 pm
VIPreview Party
$40
Be the first to get your hands on all the loot!
Wine tasting, hors d'oeuvres, raffles, live music and some amazing surprises. Limited number of tickets for this event. Your VIP ticket is valid for the Saturday event as well.

Saturday, November 15
9am-9pm
$20 ($25 at the door)
The ultimate trunk show.
Shop, snack, sip and celebrate all the fabulousness the Outer Banks has to offer.

Grab your spouse/significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend(s)/parents/co-workers/neighbors and come join the fun. All the proceeds raised from ticket sales will support the ally&maddy Retail Therapy Fund* and every penny will stay on the Outer Banks.

*The ally&maddy Retail Therapy Fund was established by a group of local women business owners who wanted to give back to the Outer Banks community. Through seminars, workshops and other outreach, our goal is to promote financial independence, business ownership and entrepreneurship for girls and women on the Outer Banks. Retail Therapy: Shopping For a Cause, our signature fund-raising event, first took place in Fall 2005 and has since become the most unique charity events on the Outer Banks. All the funds raised through Retail Therapy will stay on the Outer Banks to help young girls and women learn to be empowered, independent and successful. The ally&maddy Retail Therapy Fund operates under the umbrella of the Outer Banks Community Foundation, a 501c3 organization.

Heeeeyyyyyy Donuts!!

2008-10-29T19:21:00.005-04:00

I logged on to finish my post about Retail Therapy (something exciting to look forward to tomorrow, kids!), and I came across this tasty little tidbit:

Krispy Kreme giving out free donuts to voters on Election Day

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C., Oct. 28 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ -- Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. wants to applaud Americans who exercise their right to vote in the 2008 Presidential campaign. On Election Day, Nov. 4, 2008, participating Krispy Kreme stores will offer one free star-shaped doughnut with red, white and blue sprinkles to each customer wearing an "I Voted" sticker. While voters may not always agree on the best candidate, voters can agree on one thing: Celebrating one of America's most coveted constitutional rights can be oh-so sweet.

I clicked through to the article fingers crossed, hoping it was a Dunkin' Donuts promotion - cause we've got a couple of those down here now - only to crumple in disappointment. And then I read this part:

"We can't guarantee that your candidate of preference will win on November 4, but we can guarantee that your right to voice your choice will be rewarded with a patriotic doughnut that will remind you just how tasty freedom really is," said Krispy Kreme's Chef Ron Rupocinski. "Krispy Kreme encourages everyone to take part in this historical election and vote."

Yes Mr. Rupocinski, freedom is indeed tasty. And nothing screams America more than trans fat and sugar loaded deep-fried dough.

"The star-shaped treats are made from Krispy Kreme's signature, yeast-raised dough and available only on Nov. 4. The promotion is good for one doughnut per customer. Select stores may be offering yeast-raised doughnuts in the standard circle shape, but decorated with red, white and blue sprinkles."

Of course, this begs the question: (and I think you know where I'm going with this) if Obama wins do we get free chocolate donuts? And if McCain emerges victorious....day old crullers?

Keep your pants on

2008-10-17T16:22:00.007-04:00

When the following headline popped up on my computer screen, I just couldn't resist investigating further:

No Pants Is The New Skinny Jean

Wow. Apparently it was the trend for designers to send their models down the runway in what basically amounts to bejeweled panties. Though this is one trend I'm not TOO terribly concerned about catching on, I can actually see where one could make an argument in its favor.

I'd like to take you on a trip through what I like to call the evolution of an outfit. Here's how it works: you've got one article of clothing you KNOW you want to wear. So you put it on. Let's say, for this argument, that it's a killer pair of shoes. So you strap on the shoes, and start rummaging through your wardrobe in search of a coordinating piece (but not matchy-matchy cause that would be just wrong), and your eyes fall on a pretty blouse. So you put it on. Cute! Now to the bottom half. Hmm...these pants go with the top, let's try 'em. Very cute pants, but they cover the shoes, so no go. These pants over here are the perfect length and go GREAT with the shoes. Put those on. But they don't look so hot with the blouse. But you know what does?? That sweater. Put it on. Ack! No. Take it off. What about that super cute new dressy tee. It's good, but it needs a little somethin. The cardigan? Nope, that looks like crap. OOH I know - that coat! Perfect. The top part of my outfit is fantastic, but doesn't really go with these pants. Let's try these pants over here. Not good for the butt. Maybe a skirt? That would show off the shoes a little better. So, off with the pants, you try on several skirts, and after 4 or 5 tries you just can't get the proportion right.

Now, at this point, you're probably about 20 minutes late for wherever you're supposed to be heading, and possibly starting to break into a bit of a sweat as well. Your husband/boyfriend is starting to get annoyed (you're not dressed YET? What the hell was wrong with the first 3 outfits you tried on?), you explain you'll be ready in TWO MINUTES I SWEAR (which is code for put a sock in it, cause I'm bloated and you have NO IDEA how hard this is all you had to do was throw on some pants & a button down so just step off). At this point, pretty much the entire contents of your closet are on the floor and/or the bed and you're ready to give up, throw on some sweats and call it a night, when in fact what you really want to do is this:

Of course I would recommend a bra, and a little more effort on the hair, but you get my point.

T.F.G.I.F

2008-10-17T08:11:00.005-04:00

Which means it's one day closer to....

Can we take a minute to discuss the fabulousness that is this video? We'll skip over the fact that it's completely out of sync, which really only adds to its charm. Check out that amazing lighting, that tricky choreographed dance move (up two three four, back two three four), those incredible pants -- are they man-pri's or gauchos (man-chos?) -- the striped socks on the drummer, which if I'm not mistaken he has paired with a plaid shirt and suspenders, the hair, the tight satin shirt on the lead singer. It's a cornucopia of cheesy 70's goodness. No need to thank me, just enjoy.

Ugh.

2008-10-16T13:13:00.004-04:00

Today has been a very Monday-ish Thursday. So this song goes out to me.

...and we're auf...

2008-10-15T21:05:00.002-04:00

PR finale just began. if there's anybody out there, feel free to join me in the comments. first question: can we virtually bitch slap kenley?

Phew!!!

2008-10-15T13:29:00.002-04:00

Did you ever play the tunnel game when you were little? Or play it now with your kids? You know the one-you're traveling- usually on an actual trip- and a tunnel looms in the distance. Everybody starts taking deep cleansing breaths. In and Out. DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS. Then, suddenly, the car/truck/SUV take-yer-pick is actually in the tunnel. And the car is absolutely quiet. No talking, no whispering, no whistling... in fact... NO BREATHING is going on in the entire car.

Everyone is holding their breath, trying to make it the whole way through the tunnel and out the other end without another gasp of oxygen. (I assume the whole concept has something to do with the fact the most tunnels are underwater where human beings can't naturally breathe.) Eyes bulging, fingers scrabbling frantically, unspoken voices pleading with the driver through sign language to go faster! Go faster! (I finally learned not to play this game if actually driving the car since the risk of an oxygen deprived blackout is probably not in your passenger's best interests). And finally! There! The light at the end of the tunnel! Getting closer, closer until..... PHRSCHEW!!! All the breaths are released and life returns to normal.

That's kind of how I feel being almost at the end of my self-imposed blog blackout. You know, the one that started about the same time that Project Runway got really, really boring. I didn't want to talk about it yet knew if I was blogging I would have to and then the entire show would start to REALLY annoy me and PISS me off... but it ends tonight. Big wup. woo-hoo and all that. Now here are some things I'm going to get to ASAP...

the Presidential Race. Barack Obama. Michelle Obama's clothes. This year's mall fashions. The search for a great OBX manicure. Ignorant people. Properly handling hair crises. HSM 3. My Awesome Halloween Costume.... the list goes on and on... c u soon.

**And big thanks to Bravo for making the whole blog vacation possible. But next time can I borrow a few things from the Blue Fly wall?

Tomorrow night is the season finale of Project Runway.

2008-10-14T20:02:00.002-04:00

Does anyone give a shit?

If you ask me, they're all losers

2008-09-24T13:13:00.005-04:00

I know it's waaaay past the big event, but I made a promise and damn if I'm not going to keep it. I can't let my loyal readers down! So Claiborne, Monika...this one's for you!

Due to my usual Sunday night chaos, I wasn't able to sit down and watch the live broadcast until it was more than half over, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I did sit back down in my cozy chair a couple nights later and try to watch the entire thing again to provide my insight and sjlfdua oia ioauioujioujioureizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whoa. Sorry about that. Nodded off for a bit. The sad fact is, these people bore me. Life was so much better before all the stars had stylists and they just showed up as their own crazy selves. You know, when Joan Rivers was bitingly funny and before she had her face pulled so tight you could bounce a quarter on it and got her vapid daughter involved. Ahhh, the good ol days. But now the celebs are all carbon copies of each other, and even the ones who get it wrong aren't doing it to express their quirky sense of style, they're just tacky. Sigh. Snore. Maybe part of my problem is that my reaction to at least half of the people strutting and posing across my screen is, "who the hell is that?" and "who the hell actually STANDS like that?" (see Zellweger, Renee)

I have however, finally sorted through all the pics I could handle, and I'll start posting some thoughts. Like this one:

Hey lookie there! Christina Hendricks brought her Golden Globes to the Emmy's! Looking good Joanie, looking good. Though I don't recall her head looking so tiny on the show...

Next up: bring on the crazy....

I know. I know.

2008-09-19T19:24:00.005-04:00

We've been baaaaaad bloggers. Our intentions were good, our hearts in the right place, but as Sister Hazel puts it, "Life got in the way." But we're back dear readers, if there are any of you left out there. And we're coming back strong! (not this post per se, but soon...very soon.)

Sunday night brings the spectacle known as the 60th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. Now, I've only been aware of this for about 12 hours, so I have absolutely nothing to offer in the way of predictions, insight or pre-game commentary. Not that you care, because let's be honest, we only watch these shows in the hope that someone will show up dressed batshit crazy. (Dear God I hope Bjork is nominated for SOMETHING.) All I know is this: there are 5 hosts and they are all the nominees for Outstanding Reality/Competition Host. Seriously Emmy people? Tom Bergeron? Howie Mendel? Jeff Probst? Ryan f'ing Seacrest for crying out loud?! That's the best they could do? Don't we have to tolerate enough of these tools already? (Not you Heidi, you're fabulous. Just don't forget to look at the teleprompter and you'll be fine, liebchen.) **by the way...thought you'd like to know I just confirmed my German spelling at what is possibly the greatest of all double entendre websites...quickdic.com.

Jamie and I will be tuning in at 8pm/7 central, with our laptops and bitchy, snarky comments at the ready. That, and our deep, deep love for all things Mad Men.

Do be sure to join us in the comments section as we live blog the good, the bad, the ugly, and the sure to be irritatingly long acceptance speeches.

What a Drag!

2008-08-22T12:55:00.003-04:00

It's official (because my sister agrees with me)...Wednesday nights cross dressing Project Runway was the greatest runway show in the history of ever. It was auf the hook! (Ha! See what I did there? Suck on that Heidi!) That episode was so freakin' entertaining that I'm actually going to watch it TWICE. Drag Queens! Sequins! RuPaul! Gay pterydactyls! The mere thought of Michael Kors in drag! It's all just too too good. So humor me for one more night whilst I watch it again with unabashed glee, and I'll post some thoughts tomorrow. Or Sunday. Whatever.

In the meantime, Jamie has made the astute observation that we are in serious need of our own drag queen names. So far, I've come up with....nothing. I'm asking for your help people. Best submission wins a free bowl of 'candy'. (and if you watched the episode, you'll get that joke. hee.)

An Olympic Comeback

2008-08-20T14:52:00.006-04:00

Sorry I've been out of touch dear readers. I've been suffering from a case of Olympic fever, which I seem to come down with every 2 years (unlike Bullets fever, which happens to me every year). I'm also in the midst of the mid-to-late-August Outer Banks Business Owners blues, aka when all the summer help returns to college and I actually have to WORK again. So it's about all I can do to keep myself awake at night long enough to marvel at the Olympic porn, much less get on my painfully slow computer and post a blog. And by Olympic porn, of course I mean the awe inspiring abdominals and biceps of the swimmers, divers, water polo players and gymnasts. Holy hell. I don't know if the USOC has cut back on the amount of fabric used in their uniforms as a result of budget cuts, or maybe they're going green & trying to 'conserve', but I think I speak on behalf of most viewers when I say, thank you thank you thank you! And though they have been relatively equitable with the eye candy for both male and female viewers, I must ask why the female volleyball players are practically naked while the men romp around in baggy tanks and shorts. Compared to the see-through dental floss the women are prancing around in, the men are practically wearing burkas! Something's amiss. Shouldn't men's Olympic volleyball be more reminiscent of, oh i don't know.... THIS??

(Do you think they have the net at about 4'9" so Tom Cruise can actually reach it?)

Some other Olympic observations:
Bob Costas is a tool.

Exactly how many boxing matches ARE there? Every time I turn on CSNBCUSAXYZPDQ it's all boxing all the time. Although I do love me some Teddy Atlas and have found him to be the only interesting thing worth watching on that channel.

Tim Daggett wears more make up than Elfie Shlagel or whatever her name is.

Tiki Barber should not, I repeat NOT be allowed to commentate, pontificate, facilitate or do anything else involving a microphone and broadcasting. Tiki. Honey. You were tolerable (mildly) on the Today show, grating on Project Runway, and downright painful to watch during the 30 seconds of your Olympic coverage I was able to stomach.

Greatest Olympic name: Dong Dong, the Chinese trampoline 'athlete'. Go ahead, try to say it without giggling.

Hey, you think the Jamaican runners are using some kind of "performance enhacing substance"? Just wondering....

Finally, and on a completely different topic -
I have not watched the last 3 episodes of PR (I hear ya, Clai - they bore me too) so I really can't comment on what's going on with the show this season. But I thought you all might enjoy seeing how I'm doing in the fantasy league...

team_hotpants' Project Runway
-8 Points, this week.
-7 Points, total this season.
4366th On this week's leaderboard
4089th On the overall leaderboard

Jamie, that should make you feel a little better.

Another gogo with Jojo...

2008-08-19T19:59:00.003-04:00

Okay, add Lipstick Jungle to the list of 'Shows I Should Be Watching As If I Had The Time' which also includes KQ's favorite MadMen and Californication which was recommended by somebody at the coffee shop, probably Shane.

This week's recap features another guest appearance by none other than Jojoagogo, now dancing at the Stewartstown VFW. Just kiddin'. Down to business, we already know from last week that this week's guest is Brooke Shields. Ya gotta love Brooke. I think grace is her middle name. It's been awhile since the episode and I'm a little foggy but here are my highlights (speaking of which I really need to make an appt. w/Angie, the only colorist in Duck)...

Blayne... Bratty Blayne... Crazy Blayne... I am so over with the hoodies already, and the 'licious, ... dude, you are so not crazy but you do almost take Leann out which needs to be done if only for that really weird ruched burgundy add-a-cowl thing she was sporting. Leanne complains she has 'lost her confidence' which is hard to do if you didn't have any to begin with. Tim's comment about the whole shorts debacle was 'its not a bad idea' but I interpreted that to be the equivalent of the infamous mom comment 'he might have a nice personality'. Even Brooke was initially a little scared of Blayne's design... aren't we all a little scared of Blaynanoma? Jojo points out that yet another design manages to make a model's size -2 hips look big. Bad, bad, bad. Heidi points out his model looks like she got dressed without a mirror... umm, have y'all really looked, I mean LOOKED at Leann?

Jojoagogo totally calls the fact that all the models will be sporting Brooke-like tresses courtesy of the Tresemme hair salon. Everybody drink.

Suede, 37, amazingly claims to remember Brooke's Calvin Klein ads.. barely, I'm sure. Suede gets all Mr. High Maintenance on Terri resulting in Terri's rather crass 'I'm not -bleep- feeding any babies'. For the record, she's still on my team and I'm sure she said breast because she would never use any of the euphemism I hate for this part of a woman's body and I hate ALL of them...

Korto's got a veggie thing going on... first the gourd dress, now the sweet potato jacket but I love the way she handles Joe, refusing to push him under that old, tired, broken down bus that Bravo keeps using.

Jerrell, Jerrell, Jerrell... If I'd remembered to change my team you wouldn't be on it but Flyboy claims 'he's due'. Yeah, due to go home after last week's Peter Pan hat. But all my eggs end up in his basket and I am so crossin' fingers when he pulls out the 'Ms. Shields' card. What home-training. Brooke worries a bit about the belt but Michael and Heidi love it reminding her with their snarky comments that 'Brooke don't know fashion'. Jarrell, I am so worried about the man dress look you are sporting. The runway is about your MODEL not YOU.... nevertheless you are THE man tonight, my MAIN man, because no way are they gonna let Keith and Kenley's mermaid skirt top you... WWWHHHHAAATTT??? OMG, call BravoTV... the PR judges have gone straight from smokin' crack to crystal meth. Unbelievable.

Kelli's parting comment 'I have no regrets'... you're gonna regret those full arm tatts one day, honey. Daniel & Kenley's crush is OVER... Stella gets to work with Leatha.. plus she's totally channeling Cher for awhile there with the pigtails and everything which actually kind of works for her.

Jojagogo's Coors Light Comment of the Night: Michael Kors, 'Slutty, slutty, slutty'. So under the breath in the girl's bathroom, so catlike, so Michael.

Are designers getting money now for using Mood totes all the time? Why do we never see fights over shoes at the Bluefly Accessories wall? Could Heidi just STOP looking younger every week? Could I get a hug from Tim? Oooo, up next- DRAG QUEENS!!! Whoo-hoo! Perfect for a season that doesn't really have a Priscilla-like contestant. (Can't wait to have Chris back.) But pause for thought a minute over this astute parting observation from Jojoagogo- why are they asking them to make a 'costume' when the judges are always complaining about things being 'costumey'? It's a question for the ages.. or at least until next week's recap... I'll miss you Jojo! But I'll be taking notes for future costume ideas for your 'routines'....

I'm cabbage patching right now...

2008-08-14T11:45:00.002-04:00

13.. count 'em, THIRTEEN points last night... I almost blew by Claiborne but NO, she had to go and get ten points... and then there's flyboy still out there with 30 but I'm telling you Mr. Fancypants- I'm coming to GIT CHA!! Thank god for little points, cause that's all I got last night but they sure do add up! Stay tuned for a recap of last night's episode... and would somebody issue an APB for Katherine?

A Little PR with Jojoagogo

2008-08-13T07:49:00.001-04:00

Got to enjoy a little Project Runway last week with faithful QB reader Jojoagogo. Over a few glasses of wine, couple bottles of beer, amidst the drama of sewing machine sabotage and patriotic fervor I forgot to ask her about that name. Is she a huge Wham! fan? Does she wish instead of lawyer, mother and wife she was Bubbles down at Girls! Girls! Girls!? Jojoagogo- inquiring minds WANT to know- what’s with the name? Back to PR, Episode 4 and random thoughts from Rings of Glory...

I don’t know what annoys me most about Blayne- the tanning addiction or the hoodies obsession; right now it’s a close tie. I wish he would just go the F away. Can’t decide if Kenley’s switch to a huge flower in her hair instead of feathers is an improvement. Her friggin’ headpieces are like a birds vs. bees fight. Field Trip!! As soon as they enter Armory Track & Field place I know there’s some kind of Olympic challenge coming up. Call me psychic if you will, but it isn’t that hard to stay one step ahead of the PR producers sometimes. The gym is empty save for an in-line skater who happens to be none other than… huh? Who is that guy? Next to me Jojoagogo is practically peeing her pants (thank god it’s a leather couch)- “Apolo ! It’s Apolo Ohno!” Damn. I thought it was Marc Andre Fleury from the Penguins but apparently its his look-a-like Olympic gold medalist Apolo with this week’s challenge! Design an outfit that a Team USA athlete would be proud to wear at opening ceremonies which of course, just happen to be on Friday. (With Jojoagogo as my witness, I totally called this challenge as soon as Tim introduced Apolo). HUGE budget on this one- $130. And off we go to Mood.

Back to the work room… looks like Kenley and Daniel have one of those work-room crushes going on- all sibling giggles and teasing (and then POW: sibling rivalry as later Kenley convinces Daniel to lose the bolero that may have saved him here.) Stella not only has these huge vicious spikes coming out of her clothes today but she, naturally, has bought black for her outfit. I believe one of her comments was she wanted Team USA to look ‘bad ass’. On Chinese soil, I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Blayne goes with the whole literal one-shouldered toga imagery but his outfit looks like a prototype for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Barbie! Includes triple layer pollution mask! And button that says “Mr. President- I’m waiting for my butt smack!”… I digress.. But apparently Blayne is so tanning desperate he’s seeing everything in cold, stark white these days hence the domination of the color in his outfit.

Terri- come on girl, I picked you again for my team but I’m worried about the bustier thing- there aren’t too many female Olympic athletes out there with the bosoms to hold one of those things up- and muscle doesn’t sag so they definitely don’t need any push-up help. (But she does pull it off- not enough to rack up any points for me, though.)

Joe with the zippers- very witty; I like Joe, he’s a dark horse AND he finally gets me some points by fighting with another designer and accusing one of messing with his machine. Woo-hoo! Jerrell- I am dropping you from my team next week. Your Olympic outfit scared me man; and between your weird little Peter Pan hat and the Little Bo Peep look of your model the two of you looked like you got lost looking for the cafeteria on the Warner Brothers lot.

I have renamed Jennifer “Dorothy” because she needs to go back to Kansas. She says how in high school she was a ‘dancer and a gymnast and a cheerleader’ and that’s exactly what happens when there are only 80 people in your high school. I’m sorry, but this girl is just so out of her league here that Tim used both these words to describe her outfit ‘matronly’ and ‘junior’- can’t we please do her a favor and send her home? Huge sigh of relief… they do. And as she is taking her last walk off the runway, Jojo notices she is wearing red pumps. Goodbye Dorothy.

Some of my favorite comments (I’ll attribute them if I can remember which inane person uttered them): ‘Uniforms make everyone look generic’ … duh, I think that’s the point. Jarrell calls Blaine ‘Tanorexic’ Here’s another one from me ‘blayneanoma’, Tim just can’t get his mouth around ‘cha’ in ‘holla at cha boy’ and persists in saying ‘cher’; Heidi actually says ‘idears’, I think its when she’s wearing the chain mail… When Michael Kors during judging uses finger quotations around the word ‘athletic’ and Kelli says her outfit is ‘not 100% relevant to the Olympics’ I want to remind them both that this was an OLYMPICS challenge. Jeezus.

So Korto wins, of course I took her off my team this week. I think she’s going to be strong. Love Terri’s jeans and black top, wish I could see Daniel after the show kicking Kelly’s ass for making him lose the bolero and…. See you after Episode 5!

I'm a debutante!

2008-08-07T08:09:00.002-04:00

Just in case anyone missed it, I have finally scored some points. In fact, my whopping nine points from last night not only sees me debuting at the #4 spot on the Queen Beaches group page, but also ranks me overall on fafarazzi as 138th for this week's episode and 1,367 overall.

Look out Flyboy, HepmehepmeTim is comin' to get cha!

Could I get a friggin' point over here please?!

2008-08-05T08:23:00.003-04:00

Just a little, bitter, reminder that it is Tuesday which means Project Runway is on tomorrow which means you better run over to Fafarazzi.com and evaluate your team roster. I've been considering my utter lack of points so far this season which leads to my status on the leader board- N/A. How humiliating. I'm thinking about auctioning off the rights to choose my weekly team roster on E-bay. Don't knock it, some guy just paid $8k for a dorito that looks like Dale Earnhardt. Wish me luck....

TONIGHT ON BRAVO...

2008-08-04T10:14:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Judy's World-O-Beauty in Anywhere-Small-Town, USA. Judy's has been struggling for some time and the owners, Mark-n-Anthony, aren't sure how much longer they'll be able to stay afloat. Half their customers have disappeared this year and while Mark thinks it is a sign of the forthcoming rapture, Anthony is pretty sure it is Mark's failing eyesight and stubborn refusal to wear glasses. They've had to let most of their other stylists go and are now down to manicurist Tranh, a 70 year old shampoo 'girl' named Bess and receptionist/hair sweeper/girl Friday- Dawyn. What they don't know this Friday morning is that Sabrina Bryan, the Queen of Mean from Bravo TV's Shear Genius, is on her way right now to their salon....

SABRINA'S SALON TAKEOVER

Sabrina (striding purposefully through the door as Mark-n-Anthony stand gaping at the sight): Right then, what the (bleep) is going on here?

Anthony: ohmyGOD!!! It's Sabrina!! Mark, our prayers to Jennifer Lopez have been answered! Sabrina is here to save us!

Mark: What? Where? Is that Mr. Magoo?

Sabrina: Did you just (bleeping) compare me to a dingbat old man? I'm here to (bleepin) save you (bleepin) (bleeps) and you insult me the second I walk through the door?

Anthony: Mark, you douchebag, I told you you needed glasses!! Its S-A-B-R-I-N-A from Shear Genius! She's going to help us!

Mark: Oh sweetie, she scares the livin' daylights outta me.

Sabrina: Scary? I'll show you (bleepin) scary- 'ave you seen the cuts you've been sending out of this (bleep) hole lately? We've had a hidden camera on this (bleepin) shop all week and look what kind of (bleep) you've been sending out of here.

(fade to videos of very bad haircuts)

Mark (now crying and clinging to Anthony): Oh honey, don't leave me, you're the wind beneath my wings, I'm so sorry, I'll do anything. I'll listen to the witch, just DON'T LEAVE...

Sabrina: I'm sorry did you just call me a (bleepin) witch?

(door in back of shop opens, in strides Gordon Ramsey)

Gordon: I'm sorry, are we disturbing you in here? We're trying to (bleepin) transform the (bleepin) restaurant next door but with all the racket over here we can't get anything (bleeping) done!

Sabrina: Oh, put a sock in it Ramsey.

Gordon: You stupid, stupid cow. Do you have any idea how (bleepin) important I am? Do you? What's this then- (bleeping) Hair Nightmares? How very (bleeping) original.

Sabrina: Look, why don't you put your little apron back on and go back to your (bleeping) cookies and let me get some real work done.

Gordon: You idiot! Are you really that dense? (Bleep) (bleeping) (bleepity) (bleepoty) (bleep)!

(Pan to Anthony lying on the floor in a pile of hair clippings clutching his chest)

Tranh: Escuse me somebody, but I think Mister Anthony sick.

Dawyn (on cell phone): ... so then this guy said 'whatever' and I said 'whatever' and then, get this, Rachel says 'whatever Major Loser'!

Gordon: I'm sick of this! I'm sick of the whole lot of you! Do you really think you can do a (bleepin) business makeover show better than me? Oh, piss off!!

(storms out front door and into a taxi)

Sabrina: Toff.

Mark (on the floor beside his lover, holding his hand): Anthony, honey, say something, say anything!

Anthony: Darling, I'm so cold.. I see a long tunnel.. wait, there's something glowing ... its getting closer... its... its... Jennifer Lopez... in de la Renta!

Mark: Run, Anthony, run to the light!

Sabrina (on cell phone): Look, I don't give a (bleep) who he's in a meeting with. You tell him Sabrina is on the phone and this whole deal just (bleeping) (bleeps).

Camera moves to Bess who is shuffling around, shaking her head, collecting her purse and coat. muttering.. 'I knew cable TV was the work of the devil.'

Hey- it could happen!

DON'T hold your comments till the end

2008-07-31T22:46:00.000-04:00

Just a quick editorial note- I talk to so many people who say that while they love reading the blog they just haven't summoned up the courage to start 'commenting'. We here at Queen Beaches would like to tell YOU, our readers, that it is your comments that keep us going! So PLEASE sign up today and get in the fray! Tell us what you think about what we think! Your opinions on our opinions! Get snarky with us but please, don't out-clever us... you'll make us look bad. But really, what's everybody waiting for? Do you not see how much fun everybody else is having? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW- WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!?

PROJECT RUNWAY RECAP

2008-07-31T15:16:00.003-04:00

OMG... somebody call the brass at Bravo because the Project Runway judges are SMOKIN' CRACK!!!! I am pretty disgusted at the moment so if I tend to veer all over the place, please bear with me. So here are my thoughts of Episode 3...

Kenley aka Veronica (like from Archie) enough with the feathered hairpieces already!!! Did you not see Carrie's reaction in the SATC movie when she finally realized she had a bird in her hair???

Leanne with the plaid... again... Emily with the theme dressing... again.. last week it was a grecian princess this time its Sailor Moon but unfortunately for Emily, her boat sailed off the show this week although I honestly cannot believe that Jennifer, the home ec student so out of her league with no style or taste (I mean, her personal outfits keep getting worse and worse!), won out over her. I loved what she said about her awful outfit 'I wanted it to be fun and young' well it can't be because you're NOT.

Blayne- you are so not long for this world and I just don't think you'll have enough air time to coin the next PR phrase.. last week it was Liciousness.. this week 'tough and dirty' or was it 'holla at cha boy' (which was amusing when Tim tried it on for size). And how did he make the cut when his dress was almost identical to Emily's- black with a 'great big corsage'?

Why, why, why is nobody listening to Tim 'the Guru' Gunn??? He gives them his complete and honest opinions and as soon as he walks away they're like 'I don't care. I know my style. I like it.' Oh, and which fashion conglomerate are you the CCO of?

Stella with the lacing is like Rami with the draping.. and I'm starting to decipher that she might be into leather... and what's with the striped leggings and leather nappie? And the past two weeks I've put both Joe and Jarrell up in my top picks and they've gotten no notice from the judges.

So its down to the wire and the workroom is chaos with ten minutes left to Runway and I'm looking at all these outfits, lots of which do NOTHING for the models and actually manage to make these stick thin girls look chunky, and three words come to mind. Hot. Tranny. Mess. Please God send more than one of these fools home this week.

Rooting for Terri, she's on my team- go Terri, go Terri, go Terri..... WHAAAATTTT???? Kenley? Kenley whose outfit garnered these descriptions 'Joan Crawford-esque', 'outdated', 'if you're not tall, you can't wear it'... I believe Tim Gunn described it as 'costumey'... yet Nina declares it adorable and she WINS???? I am so p.o 'ed. I got no points this week... again... nada... zilch... zero. I don't even want to look at our group standings.....

Today's Lucky Winner...

2008-07-30T17:47:00.002-04:00

The winning song today under the heading 'New Songs I Absolutely Despise' is (surprise, surprise) Kid Rock's All Summer Long. There's so much wrong with this little ditty that it would take too much time I don't have right now and too much space on this blog IF I could even figure out where to begin. So I'll just throw out the one word and one word only that comes to mind every time I hear this song....

S-E-L-L-O-U-T.

2008-07-29T07:53:00.006-04:00

Okay, boys and girls, its time to get your teams ready for tomorrow night's Project Runway episode! In case you STILL haven't gotten on board, we're all playing Fantasy Project Runway at fafarazzi.com and you can still sign up to play! Once you get all set up with the site, use this link to take part in the exclusive Queen Beaches group page - this is like your personal invitation so don't lose it again!

http://www.fafarazzi.com/project-runway-5/queenbeaches

Interesting note on the contest to date: All participating women are currently getting their heinies spanked by two men- Flyboy and Uncle Rico. Nice.

A few thoughts from last week's episode I'd like to share as we all contemplate our team rosters for tomorrow...

First of all, the 'green fabric' challenge... I'm sorry, but aren't a lot of fabrics made from natural fibers? All they had to avoid was synthetics and poisonous dyes and (Tim's words here)- if appropriate, organically grown. So he takes the models to Mood because this challenge apparently is all about them and they get to choose the fabric for the dress they'll wear and we encounter the first riddle of the evening- If you take 15 model-wannabes to a fabric store that sells 1,000's of textiles, how many models will pick the same fabric? My head is in my hands... no to mention I think they told the designers they'd get a free Starbucks latte every time they said the words 'green fabric' during the episode. Enough already!

Back at the ranch, let's talk about this season's designers which instantly brings me to today's separated at birth... Ron Wood and his baby sister Steeeelllllaaaaa!

I wish Stella would go back to The Brooklyn House O' Leather. We get the fact that you're urban already! And did you really steam that dress WHILE it was on the model? Huge rookie mistake. I really couldn't be more annoyed with any of the designers. Oh wait a tick, Jamie could be more annoyed. In fact, Jamie was very irritated while Jamie was watching last week's episode. Jamie thought that if Jamie heard Suede refer to himself in the third person OR heard one more designer talk about Suede referring to himself in the third person, Jamie would puke. But he did win. But he must lose the jean jeacket with SUEDE in rhinestones on the back. I did love his dress, even if, as Tim commented, it did have some homosexual dinosaur leanings.

Looking for easy points? (Who's not!) This week we found out who the criers are- Korto and Leanne. Korto's dress looked like one of those gourds you pile on the porch for some 'fall color' and I love Leanne's teary comment to Wesley 'I can't imagine you not being there'.. oh for crying out loud, they've been there like five days at this point, right?

I'll wrap things up for this week with this fashion commentary- Leanne and Kenley- get off the friggin' 1950's mid-western farm. You are in New York and it is 2008. Lose those nasty plaid pieces, let's ditch those glasses, Kenley- that hairpiece looked like swan feathers got mixed up with watermelon seeds in the pig trough and for godsakes Leanne COMB your hair!! Do they not know how corn-fed ridiculous they look or is it just me?? I don't think Leanne's gonna be around much longer anyway after seeing that Lost Boys concoction. Funny that Natalie Portman points out the Peter Pan connection, she of the slight, svelte stature and fondness for asexual hair cuts. One last item... I loved Nina's comment about how nothing looks cheaper than 'short, tight and shiny'... did anyone check out Heidi's dress?S-uh-N-A-P!

Now go pick your teams...

Blog-tastic!!

2008-07-23T11:02:00.004-04:00

In case you missed it in the New York Times, last week there was a great meeting of the minds. A couple of Gheorghers made their way to the Outer Banks and this lucky QB was able to catch up with them for a brief blog summit. For those of you who have been wondering about the Gheorghe boys, I was able to capture a brief video of Rob and Whitney:

Here's hoping we'll be able to do it again soon, often and with even more people involved. Hmmmm...I think someone said something like that to me once back in college....

There's a Bathroom on the Right, Part II

2008-07-23T09:39:00.003-04:00

For your Wednesday morning coffee break entertainment, I present to you a video tribute to the greatest lyrical butchering of all time:

Big shout out to TJ (the brother, not the Gheorgher), for this clip.

2008-07-22T09:56:00.002-04:00

Okay, we've got six teams registered so far on the Queen Beaches Fantasy Project Runway Group page... a big, big bitchy welcome to brave QB fans jojoagogo, obxflyboy, colleenkdh, and claiborne for having the nerve to play with us. But where is Kenny?? Oh no, did they kill Kenny?? Just joking... don't forget to take a good look at your team going into tomorrow night's episode because the points are getting ready to roll (or fall).. I can't remember what time they lock you out tomorrow, but be forewarned that after a certain time you will NOT be able to mess with your team anymore. And Clai, you have a really funny looking team- they all have these weird gray faces... oh, apparently you need to actually pick some designers! Hop to it baby!

PROJECT SCISSOR HAPPY

2008-07-19T21:48:00.002-04:00

Call me a brainiac if you will but does anybody else smell an upcoming Project Runway episode where each designer gets paired with a Shear Genius stylist in creating a look for the catwalk??

There's A Bathroom On The Right

2008-07-17T12:17:00.003-04:00

While kickin' back at the pool the other day, Patty was telling us about something she had recently heard on NPR's This American Life, wherein people shared their stories of having received bad information early in life, yet continued to believe it well into adulthood. Like the woman who (allegedly) mortified herself in front of co-workers by asking if unicorns were endangered or extinct. I piped up that I had, until my late 20's, thought the correct lyric in the Beach Boys' classic song, Surfin' USA was "if every body had a notion..." (not 'if every body had an ocean'. duh.)

That led to a rather animated discussion of other mis-heard lyrics, such as these gems (and no, I won't reveal who was responsible for butchering the toonces - but if they want to own up to it in the comments, by all means please do!):

Song: CCR's Bad Moon Rising
Wrong lyric: There's a bathroom on the right
Correct lyric: There's a bad moon on the rise

Song: Train's Drops of Jupiter
Wrong: Van Halen is overrated.
Right: ...and that heaven is overrated.

Song: The Who's Eminence Front
Wrong: Livin in a strut
Right: Eminence Front
(that cracks me up every time. and PS don't forget to tune into VH1 tonight to watch Eddie *sigh* Vedder & Pearl Jam honor the Who at the Rock & Roll Honors or whatever the hell it is.)

Alright, phone lines are open. Let's hear your best and worst. And for those of you who find this sh*t as amusing as I do, saunter on over to kissthisguy.com, an entire website devoted to the cause. My current fave: from the J Geils Band's Angel in the Centerfold, some poor shmuck thought the lyric was "my anus is the center hole." You might want to see a doctor about that, pal.

Barenaked And High As A Kite

2008-07-16T18:46:00.007-04:00

We interrupt our regularly scheduled nonsense and PR premiere coverage to bring you this breaking news:

Barenaked Ladies singer arrested on drug charges 07/16/2008 5:13 AM,
The singer and guitarist for the band Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on drug charges in upstate New York. Police say Steven Page was charged with fourth-degree criminal possession of a controlled substance on Friday in the Syracuse area.
Authorities say the arrest occurred at about 2 a.m. after police noticed a suspicious car with its driver's side door left open. They say they found Page and two women in a nearby apartment, along with cocaine and marijuana. Barenaked Ladies' manager Terry McBride confirmed the charge to the Post-Standard of Syracuse but declined to comment further. The singer, released after paying $10,000 bail, is due in court Thursday. Page helped form the band in 1988. The group, know for hits such as "One Week" and "Pinch Me" recently released their debut kids "Snacktime."

First of all (in a nutshell), I don't really see parents rushing out to buy an album for their kids by a band called Barenaked Ladies. "Are you ready kids?! Here's Uncle Steve & the Barenaked Ladies! Iiiiiiit's cracktime! Uh....I mean snacktime, snacktime! Dammit!"

QUEEN BEACHES GROUP

2008-07-16T18:14:00.003-04:00

Okay everybody, we finally figured out how to have a Queen Beaches group for the Fafarazzi Fantasy Project Runway contest. (which, incidentally, does not really begin until next week. ie even if you have picked a team for tonight there is NO scoring this week, all that fun begins next episode.)

In the meantime, here is the link to use as your 'offishul eenvite' to the Queen Beaches Fantasy Project Runway Group. Supposedly this gives us our own page and if you join the group your weekly scores, etc will be posted to this page so we can all see who's kicking whose butt, who should really be a fashion critic, etc., etc.

This information supercedes previous information regarding the Queen Beaches league.

Come on, sign up! We're a lot of fun to play with!!

http://www.fafarazzi.com/project-runway-5/queenbeaches

Your hostesses with the mostestes,
Jamie & Katherine

LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!! (OR RHUMBA, WHICHEVER FITS!)

2008-07-16T17:14:00.004-04:00

Three hours and counting until the new season of Project Runway!!

To make the most of the mere sixty minutes (commercials included) of showtime, I highly suggest you immediately head over to http://www.bravotv.com/ where bios and pictures of all this season's contestants are on full frontal display. Take some time to get to know the designers. Do them the courtesy of being prepared when you welcome them into your living room later this evening. We'll be living with them for weeks to come so wouldn't you feel better knowing right from the start whose fashion inspirations include Holly Golightly and Salvador Dali? In fact, just to see which Project Runway/Queen Beaches fans are willing to go the distance, here's a little quiz based on the Bravo info:

How many designer's bios include either the Fashion Institute of Technology, Parsons or the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandise?
(Seven)

What is the average age of this season's designers?
(30.125)

How many designers already have their own label? Lines? Has designed a guitar?
(Three. Three. One.)

Which designer apparently lent her favorite jeans to her pit-bull owning, house painter boyfriend?
(Kelli. With an 'i'.)

When is Tim Gunn coming to fix my closet?
(Not until one of my BFF's submits my name for the next season of Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. Hint-hint, Katherine.)

Which designer's 'Fashion Must!' is.... anything neon?
(Blayne, you know, like Pretty in Pink. )

Which designer is totally wearing 'arm warmers'? Ankle warmers?
(Stella; Emily)

Who rocks his little blue unihorn?
(Suede)

Who's going to work hard to whip Kenny's butt with their own Fafarrazi Project Runway Fantasy team?
(Flyboy)

How many designers claim Vivienne Westwood as a favorite designer?
(Three)

Which designer is sporting black fringed pants?
(Terri. Again with the 'i'.)

Who gets to be Heidi in the next life?
(Me! Me! I called it first!)

Who has 'mad skills'?
(Oops, sorry, wrong season.)

Who has 'bad skills'?
Well, as we all know, you can't judge a book by its cover so we'll have to wait until ten o'clock tonight to begin the discussions of who can go the distance and who can just go home.

Until then... make it work!!

(An extra special heartfelt shout out to Queen Beach reader, Project Runway fan and old college chum Lisa Cifuni Herbert. I'm thinking of you, Li!)

LADIES (& GENTLEMEN), START YOUR ENGINES!

2008-07-14T20:07:00.003-04:00

Hooray- hooray- hip, hip hooray! Finally, the cast of Project Runway 5 has been revealed! Fafarazzi sent notice today that this season's hapless, sometimes clueless, often strapless cast is officially out of the closet- er- Parson's work room as it were.

You'll definitely find the usual suspects along with plenty of tats, facial hair (luckily just on the men), truly clever mantras like 'Get noticed or go home' and 'don't blend in', names like Suede and Blayne and Stella (who reminds me a lot of that writer chick who went and lived with Salinger for years), the token midwesterner, the Parsons grad and the self-proclaimed 'stylist'... but even with the little bios tantalizingly dangled out there, can we really get any sort of feel for each of the designers until we see how they move on screen, how they make love to the cameras, how they try to schmooze Heidi and Tim from the git-go and what the f--- starts coming out of their mouths when they realize that reality TV has become their own reality?

48 and 3/4 hours... don't forget to pick your first week's team at Fafarazzi.com which will qualify you for the Tim Gunn Bobblehead drawing.. and let me just be the first to say... I am jonesing for a Tim fixx. TTTW! Ta Ta Til Wednesday!

PS( And let me also be the first to say- I scooped KQ on this one!!)

Today's Election Coverage

2008-07-14T13:18:00.002-04:00

We here at QBHQ do our best to keep you, our beloved readers (hi Dad!), on top of all the latest, most important headlines of the day. We scour the papers (People and US Magazine) and internet (PerezHilton.com), stay up all night watching only the most newsworthy and insighful programs, and then, when Sex and the City is over, we forward only the most critical information along to you.

Herewith, I present to you today's election coverage (courtesy of the Onion):
Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box

I Don't Get It... Does That Mean I'm Not Hip?

2008-07-13T08:07:00.005-04:00

I saw another one yesterday. Idly flipping through the pages of a magazine, enjoying a beach day, vicariously shopping for things I 'have to have' that I won't ever purchase, I came across another double-spread ad for Marc by Marc Jacobs.

Now this is the line that featured Posh not too long ago in a bunch of weird Barbie doll poses with one arm flung up into the air that Katherine and I tried so hard to capture with some of our limo pix. But Marc's ads have gone from oddly plasticine to downright disturbing.

I'm sure you've seen one... it's got 'Cole', a male model, posing in women's ready to wear, photographed by Juergen Teller. If you haven't seen the campaign, its really quite indescribable so I suggest you run right out to the store and buy yourself about five magazines (suggestions: In Style, Vogue, Marie Claire, Domino & Vanity Fair.) Okay, you probably won't find the ad in either of the last two but since I'm giving you a super excuse to go splurge on some eye candy I figured I'd throw those in as well.

Tried to research this a little bit... hit the Marc Jacobs website which features a ten second loop of a 70's-ish home movie of some bedazzled and sequined cabaret singing drag queens (http://www.marcjacobs.com/, its kinda worth it)... ah, so there are some cross dressing issues in the house.. then I found an interview Marc did with, well, Interview magazine, where he himself is cross dressing in the same style as the ads which is not trannie per se, but more like poor little prep schoolboy trying on some of mummie's clothes while she's out. Marc even has the 'couture hunch' down (you can see those pix at the mj website too). In the meantime, do NOT be fooled by these ads! While the message may be 'Look! even a boy toy model looks great in a Marc dress!' the reality is that the boy toy still has a quasi-feminine body built for high fashion that most us girls can ever aspire to. Caveat emptor, my friends, caveat emptor.

IT HURTS! IT HURTS! (Wait, I Kinda Like It!)

2008-07-12T08:25:00.005-04:00

Okay, I need some help here from QB readers. So our 17" computer monitor died, went to Best Buy, bought a new one. New one is 19" and I would describe it as more of a wide-screen.

While perusing the latest well-played list at Go Fug Yourself today I realized this new monitor must be totally hi-def! I'm seeing things I never saw before! Like how Mischa Barton seems to be fighting a little battle of the bulge! Maggie Gyllenhaal's eyes are too far apart! Alicia Keys has two mile wide hips! Pamela Sue is starting to look a bit stumpy and dumpy! "They're MORTAL !!" I cried, "HUMANOIDS ALL!! "

Then I took a closer look and realized everybody was looking a little squished like when you change your TV settings to Zoom 2 and it kind of stretches everyone out.. or like a fun house mirror. So, I'm wondering if I need to change some settings on my computer in order to adapt internet images to the new 19" wide screen. Any geeks out there who can back that up or talk me through it?

Or should I just leave it and actually feel 'Okay' about my cankles for awhile?

Goin to the Backyard Chapel

2008-07-11T17:51:00.003-04:00

My baby sister is getting married tomorrow.

Sarah, with all my heart and soul I wish I could be there with you. I'll be thinking of you (and still drinking champagne, natch). We all wish you and Brian a lifetime of love, laughs, health & happiness. I have no idea what 'your song' is so I'm dedicating this one to you. It's worked pretty well for us these last 10+ years.

Mazel Tov!! I love you Slick. Welcome to the family, Brian! (God help you.)

Uh...this is KFC

2008-07-11T11:23:00.003-04:00

Don't know what you've got planned for the upcoming weekend, but mine is looking a whole lot brighter now that I've seen this:

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

(and if anyone would like the back story to the title, I'll be more than happy to fill you in sometime.)

CALLING YOUR BLUFF

2008-07-10T21:54:00.003-04:00

I'll see your Eddie Vedder and raise the wager with two simple words.... Rhett Miller.

(Although upon viewing this post my husband, and lead singer of the mega-band Gunston Midas, just reminded me that really he should be my one and only greatest frontman of all time. But my bet is still on the table... KQ, you got anything left girl?)

You the Man

2008-07-10T15:25:00.005-04:00

This topic has come up in conversation several times over the past month and I've decided it's now officially blog-worthy.

In my post Pearl Jam glow last month, I made the rather astute observation that Eddie Vedder is the epitome of a rockstar. Not really going out on a limb, I know, except for the veracity with which I was willing to defend my statement that he among the greatest front men of all time. My top three (in no particular order, except that Eddie is always #1):

Eddie
Bono
Kurt Cobain

The other night we got to talking about it again, and determined the following criteria:
1. Would the band be as successful without him?
2. His and/or his band's overall contribution (a bit subjective & hard to define, I know)
3. Is he hot? (just kidding, although it doesn't hurt)
4. Longevity

I was going to add Matt Williams of SML but since I can't give them the longevity vote yet, we'll have to wait and see how that develops. Kenny was quick to nominate Jim Morrison as the greatest, an excellent contribution. I believe Sting's name was mentioned, there was some talk about Mick Jagger, Paul vs. John, and then I got up to help with the dishes so I missed the rest of their analysis. That, and I was on my 3rd glass of wine so the details might be a bit foggy.

And it's not limited to front men, it just started there. Diana Ross in her Supreme days would be an excellent addition to the list. Granted, this is not as thorough and definitive as the Best TV Theme Song list over in Gheorghe-land (and I'm not drunk like Whitney), but let's hear what you've got to say.

Party on Wayne.

Let's Try This Again

2008-07-09T16:13:00.001-04:00

Only 7 days 'til Project Runway...

Damn that Heidi Klum. She even makes a hot looking peep.

WANT TO PLAY?

2008-07-09T06:52:00.003-04:00

So now its seven days and a wake up till Season 5 of Project Runway and we wanted to make everyone aware of a little game EVERYONE can play that makes watching even more fun and actually ups the ante for you, the viewer!

Everyone's heard about 'Fantasy Football' and 'Fantasy Baseball' where grown men select players to put together impossible dream teams that they then track for an entire sports season, earning different point values or good plays, no plays, etc. But did you know that you can play 'FANTASY PROJECT RUNWAY'???? Yes, we're here to tell you its true.... and its awesome.

First, go to http://www.fafarazzi.com/. You'll need to register but its all free so its all good. Click on the heading 'Games' then choose 'Project Runway' as your show. The upcoming screen will tell you how the whole thing works (every week you get to pick three designers), how scoring is done (for example, winning a challenge is worth 6 points, being told your garment is poorly constructed you lose a point, if your designer cries or gets 'bleeped' relax, you just earned a point!), then the Thursday after each new episode you'll get a email tell you how many points you earned, your running total, position on the leaderboard, etc. Its a blast and we'd really like to have someone other than each other and Kenny to play with. We may even start our own Queen Beaches league so stay posted for more info on that- wouldn't it be great if all the Queen Beaches started getting b*&^chy with each other? hahaha. Oh yeah, if you actually rock at this game (and Kenny did) you can win points that can be used, where else, at Bluefly.

Come on, check it out and come play with the Queen Beaches! We promise to play nice!

8 days til Project Runway 5!

2008-07-08T16:00:00.005-04:00

Separated at Birth... Part Two

2008-07-06T07:22:00.004-04:00

Jack from Project Runway (for more Jack, scroll down to the little video Katherine found at GFY)......

and Jeff from Flippin' Out.....

This time I SUPER promise... I swear!

2008-07-06T06:53:00.005-04:00

I am becoming more and more convinced that Bravo uses subliminal messaging during its shows because even after I vowed to NEVER watch Salon Smarties again SOMEHOW I found myself watching a REPEAT the other day?!?!? Its like a magnetic pull or something... I must say I did NOT see it in its entiriety but after what I did view, I WANT to see the whole thing.

Now, you know how I feel about the Real Housewives of OC. If not, you need to do some backtrack reading of this blog. And my more recent opinions of Shear Genius are quite plain. However, when these two shows put their creative fists together with one producer shouting 'Shape of A Desperate Middle-Aged California Barbie' and another producer replying 'Shape of A Primadonna Hairstylist'... well, let me just say it takes on a whole 'nother dimension and one I'm not sure this world (or at least the East Coast) is ready for.

Like I said I didn't see the whole thing, but I did get to see all the Housewives (and daughters) who, let me get this straight, had agreed to be on the show, harass, bully and demand that their hair not be 1-cut, 2-colored or 3- changed. If that RHW beyach Vicki used her shrill harpie scream to tell her daughter's stylist not to 'cut one hair!' one time, she did it a dozen times. Does anybody remember when they went to Mexico on RHW and she kept screaming 'MEXICOH!!'

it was that voice.

So in the end they walked down the runway and OMG! looked exactly the same except maybe a little worse because all the poor stylists could do was try to restyle their way too long, way too processed, way too young looking hair. And I'm talking about the daughters too.

Two 'highlights' if you will- the Christian of Scissor Madness, Parker, is gone. Told you he should've read this blog. And I loved Sabrina being back to judge. She's tough as nails, man. And apparently has a show coming out called Sabrina's Salon Takeover which I'm having a lot of fun imagining as a hairdresser version of Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. I'll give you a little sneak peek at that later...

**Incidentally, there has been some confusion regarding the two pictures of Vicki at the top of this post. These are her 'Before' and 'After' pictures from the Shear Genius episode.

AND THE WINNER IS....

2008-07-05T09:49:00.003-04:00

(This is the part where I put on my Queen Beaches OBX Society Columnist hat.)

Well the long holiday weekend hadn't even begun Thursday night and already we had a winner in the Host/Hostess With the Mostest category... HUGE kudos to Patty & Matt McKenna for throwing an awesome shindig on 7/3/08. It was a GREAT way to get the weekend started... Chris and I quickly recognized this potential when we ran into the good Doctor Matt at the ABC store Wednesday night stocking up on some tequila (for the margarita machine!) in his OR scrubs. After some joking around about shots and surgery, we parted ways and immediately began eagerly anticipating the next evening's festivities.

Can't say enough about the food (chilled edamame, black bean salad, steamed hot dogs- perfect for a warm summer night), the libations (a pale ale kegger!), the huge yard that doubles as a children's paradise, the FUN mix of people and the general aura of a good relaxed party. Smart idea to have this the night before the weekend starts getting crazy with plans. Also really appreciated the invitation implied we could bring holiday company, which we did.

Patty had on a smashing skirt which I didn't get to grill her about (as in- where did you get that?), some other articles of clothing I am now coveting- Amy D's long striped dress, Chrissy B's stunning halter/handkerchief dress (one of those cool retro/modern patterns) that looked super with her 'found' sunglasses (don't lose those Chrissy!), loved Elizabeth's earrings, Jennifer G needs to do some modeling for Confetti- she was really rockin' a G1 skirt...Claiborne's shoes definitely on my hit list... I want to start going to the gym with Whitney H, she's tight.. was disappointed to see Ken back down and let me win the Beautiful Toes contest with my new OPI navy polish... earlier in this patriotic week he was sporting some hot designs on his big toes (courtesy of Thing 1 and Thing 2, AKA Kate & Maggie) but apparently wasn't man enough to have them recreated professionally and bring them out to the masses. Conversation with everyone was fun, relaxed and BIG thanks on behalf of Katherine (my co-blogger) and I to everyone who mentioned that they are still reading (and apparently liking) our blog (like Thea, MaryBeth, Amy, etc).

Here's what I love best about so many Outer Banks parties... kids are included and this one was no exception. My visiting in-laws are still amazed by the number of children (50?) running around enjoying themselves as much as their parents. Not saying there's anything wrong with getting a babysitter now and then (IF you can actually find one) and enjoying an adult evening, but so many social happenings here are suited for the whole family and that suits me just fine.

To Patty & Matt- thanks so much for the invite! I think I speak for all of your satisfied party guests when I make the recommendation this become an annual event!

Tran-tastic

2008-07-04T16:52:00.007-04:00

Sometimes the headline is better than the story. At least that is what I was expecting when I came across this gem today:

Transsexuals angry at Victoria Beckham over her support of Christian Siriano

Not today folks, this shit just keeps getting better. In a nutshell, trannys all across america have their panties in a bunch about Project Runway winner Christian Siriano's use of the phrase "hot tranny mess." Since Posh has supported him by wearing his fashions, the trannys are mad at her too.

“She might not have to worry about physical attack but boy is she going to be
embarrassed when 50 of us turn up at her next public function and tell the world
what we think…No one’s designs are going to do anything for an emaciated stick
insect with sparrow legs like her. She might as well stick to the kind of ho-bag
outfits we usually see her in. Come to think of it, she’d probably fit in quite
nicely in a trailer park.”

God I love an angry tranny.

It Ain't Project Runway

2008-07-04T12:58:00.005-04:00

What better way to honor our Nation's birthday than to salute America's favorite pastime. I'm speaking of course about prostitution.

Okay, so the "ladies" in question are from Spain, but they've got that good ol' US of A can-do spirit. Apparently, development is threatening their ability to work the very streets on which they peddle their wares, so in an effort to show they are "capable of doing other things" they staged a fashion show. Things, I guess, for which they DON'T charge. (Although I don't get how walking the streets half naked is any different from their night job - isn't that sort of part of the job requirement?)

Good for you, gals! Way to stand up for your right to lie down!

2008-07-01T18:03:00.002-04:00

This is exactly the reason I have to take periodic breaks from the blog:

Here I am, finished work and work-out, sitting down at the trusty HP to balance the old bank account before hitting the liquor store. (Just kidding, but we are out of Bombay.) And I just happen to see some recent comments sitting in my inbox, which then leads me to a comment or two of my own, which then leads to me remember something I wanted to post but keep forgetting INSTEAD of managing all those debits and the few credits that manage to roll in.

The big black hole known as BRAVO sucked me right in again last week... I'm not even sure why I was in front of the TV Wednesday at 10pm- Top Chef is over, even the reunion, and I knew PR wasn't starting for another two weeks but there I was and here came Jaclyn and Rene (would somebody please get me this guy's background so I can figure out WTF that accent is? Is it made up? And Kim Vo... that is a guy right?) and the new season of Hairy Scary.. I mean Shear Genius. It is pretty hard for me to get interested in this one but what else are we to do until July 16? So I watched. And after 60 minutes I had to agree with Oshun- it was 'bullshit, man!'

Let's start with the first challenge. PUHleez, cutting hair BLINDFOLDED? Why would you ever want to do that? Did they have to hit up a methadone clinic to find women hard up for cash who would sit there and let someone do that? Why would you NEED to cut a clients hair IN THE DARK??? "Omigosh, Cindi Lou, the power just went out! It's pitch black! Don't worry, I can do this with my eyes closed!" Who would not trip over their stilettos getting out of that salon??

But then comes this incredibly well designed elimination challenge- take a female cartoon character's iconic hair and translate into a modern interpretation. I'm sorry... Marge Simpson? Lucy from Peanuts? GEM for godsakes?? This sounded ludicrous, played out just dam crazy and looked like hell. Oh, and the little pan who thinks he is Christian from PR hasn't read Queen Beaches or he would know that boy has officially jumped the shark. (Although describing this show as a hot tranny mess is more than apropo.)

I have vowed not to waste any more time on this show and, in fact, have made alternate plans for tomorrow evening. Sorry, Charlie.

Now, what's my balance?

YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS....

2008-07-01T07:39:00.003-04:00

OMG. Jst saw ad frm allstate re: teenz txting n drving. Wat??!! WTF is so vip in ther lives cant wate til nxt stplite? R they tryin 2 wrk and keep up frndships? R they tryin to trck down kids who r runnin wld at fther's howz? R they tryin to axshly hav a sochl lif? I say, teenz, hang up n driv and leav txting whl drving to those who really need todoit, adultz!

***Message exceeds maximum character length. Will be sent in two parts***

And yes, I have been MIA, but does anybody remember Miss Quinn's little hiatus earlier this winter? Let's just say I was due, have lots to comment about regarding her posts and quite a few blog bees in my bonnet. Here's a little two word teaser..... Tila Tequila.

The Kissing Bandit

2008-06-27T12:16:00.003-04:00

This one goes out to my good good friend - and you know who you are.

Let's try to keep things somewhat in control tonight, shall we?

Jaaaaaaamieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2008-06-26T17:00:00.002-04:00

Hello??? Are you out there? Our little blog-dom is quite lonely without my fellow Queen. If anyone sees her, tell her I miss her. We all miss her. I offer up this little Friday Morning Video from our old Project Runway friend Jack to hopefully inspire and entice her to resurface. C'mon Jamie - take your passion and make it happen!!

(Credit the Fug Girls for finding this little gem.)

Today's Public Service Announcement

2008-06-26T11:17:00.006-04:00

It's been a very interesting and informative morning here at QBHQ. This post started out as a quick reminder to all those tools out there who STILL insist on wearing those ridiculous bluetooth headsets. I thought I would be providing a service - a style tip if you will - to North Cackilaky drivers before the July 1 cell phone laws go into effect.

Well. Having done a little research and confirming this directly with a very friendly (please read with appropriate sarcasm) customer service representative from NCDOT, it turns out that in fact NorCar does NOT have a handheld cell phone law going into effect. It has twice been submitted to the legislature and to date has not been passed. So there you have it. Feel free to continue to drive at mach speeds up and down the roads of our fine state yakking away on your cell phone. Go ahead! Put it right up to your ear! Who needs both hands on the wheel? Just do me a favor. If you choose to put safety first and employ the bluetooth ear device, please put style second and take it off when you're finished talking.

I also stumbled across this little tidbit from howstuffworks.com. Don't know if it's true but I found this really funny so it doesn't matter.

Why is it called Bluetooth? Harald Bluetooth was king of Denmark in the late
900s. He managed to unite Denmark and part of Norway into a single kingdom then introduced Christianity into Denmark. He left a large monument, the Jelling rune stone, in memory of his parents. He was killed in 986 during a battle with his
son, Svend Forkbeard. Choosing this name for the standard indicates how
important companies from the Nordic region (nations including Denmark, Sweden,
Norway and Finland) are to the communications industry, even if it says little
about the way the technology works.

God help us if anyone ever invents the "forkbeard."

Yipperzooza!

2008-06-25T12:12:00.005-04:00

Quick note: My 7 year old has coined this phrase and it's quickly caught on in our house as an expression of affirmative glee, as in: "We're going to the pool! Yipperzooza!!" "Did you like the Camp Rock movie? Yipperzooooooza!" Of course, Kenny and I have put our own sarcastic and off-color spin on it, "American Express called again. Yipperfuckinzooza."

I tell you this so you'll understand why it's the only word that expresses how excited I was to learn that my favorite TV show - Mad Men - will be returning on July 27. If you haven't seen it yet I insist you run out RIGHT NOW and order the first season on DVD (to be released July 1). Hailed by some as the smartest show on TV, and hailed by me as just freakin' awesome, it's the story of a fictional advertising agency in the early 60's. The creators of the show have totally nailed the look and feel of the era, the writing is incredible, the acting is fantastic (and John Hamm is hot, I'm not gonna lie), it's smart, funny, touching - in my opinion the best show on tv right now.

Watching a new show is like starting a new relationship. You see something that looks promising. You schedule your first date. You decide what you're going to wear (although in this analogy no makeup and sweats are usually the outfit of choice, so already it's better than dating). You tell a few friends, maybe even arrange a group date. You've got your programs that are the equivalent of a bad first date - they had so much potential, but the experience was a total disappoinment (Studio 60). Often times, you have a really good first date, get together a couple more times, but somehow it never seems to take off into a long term relationship (30 Rock, Men In Trees). Or you have several really good months, then they do something and BAM you can't stand the sight of them anymore (American Idol).

But. If you get really lucky, you find that very special relationship. You know you're in love after the first 5 minutes. When it happens to you, you just KNOW. You rearrange your schedule to be available, you spend hours afterward replaying every minute of your time together, you tell all your friends about your new love & want to introduce them, and can't wait until you can be together again. Things can go along swimmingly for years, but inevitably something goes wrong. Sometimes they change inexplicably and you lose interest (Grey's Anatomy), or you can just grow apart, or the timing is all wrong but the feelings are still there (The Wire). And sometimes they break up with you, leaving you broken hearted and wanting more (Oz, The Sopranos). If nothing else, you've always got your booty call shows: shallow & quick, but always satisfying (anything on VH1 or Lifetime).

I'm no expert in relationships. All I can tell you is this. I fell in love last year and we've been forced to spend some time apart. But my Men and I have a HOT date on Sunday July 27 at 10 pm, and I can't wait. Yipperfuckinzooza!!

It's a Sad Day

2008-06-23T11:14:00.003-04:00

George Carlin has died.

I'm having a tough time thinking of what to say -- every time I try to write something, anything about this loss, I simply can't think of him without cracking up. For example, I can't say it was a freak accident, because then all I can think of is "two freaks in a minivan hit three freaks in a stationwagon." Or if I want to comment on how sad people across the country will be, I think of this:

So RIP George - there are a lot of words I could try to find to express how much you and your irreverent humor will be missed, but there are none better than these seven:

The Greatest Night In The History Of Ever.

2008-06-20T17:21:00.004-04:00

I almost touched Eddie Vedder. True - would have been a much better story if I had made actual contact (like Kenny did) but being within an arms length of him was still pretty damn exciting for me. Tuesday night we made the trek up to Va. Beach to catch Pearl Jam at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre. Thanks to my newest best friend Ben, we had killer seats - 3rd or 4th row depending on who's telling the story. Eddie came to our side of the stage two times, and we rushed the stage both times like the true (dorks) groupies we are. The first time, Kenny went wide and was able to get a high-five from the Man. I was blocked by a woman in a wheelchair and even in my drunken hysterical groupie state of mind, I recognized it would be inappropriate to step over her on my way to Eddie. So I regrouped and was ready to run wide the second time around - succesfully making my way to the railing and though I didn't get the tambourine he ended up giving to the above referenced woman - tossed it to her right over my head mind you - I did get a very close look at EV, and a scowl from the security guy. So I've got that going for me.

If you watch the video, at about 6:03 you see an arm frantically, desperately, grabbing at Eddie's left leg. That would be me.

QB readers know of my deep deep love for Eddie. And now, as my obsession festers even deeper, I've been doing some additional reading and I've learned how very much we have in common. Both vegetarians, animal rights supporters, on the same page politically, both love surfing (ok I don't actually surf, but I still love the sport), we obviously like the same music...it's like Tara said, we'd have so much to talk about. **sigh**

You can only imagine how much it hurts me to NOT be in attendance tonight when he rocks the Verizon center in DC, but I've sent roving blog reporters Tara and Kenny in my place so I'll have some analysis tomorrow. Until then, I'm going home, drinking a bottle (uh, I mean a glass) of wine, cranking some Pearl Jam and thinking about how disappointed Eddie must be that I'm not there.

(Apologies to my dear pals at G:TB for slightly plagarizing their headline, but it was far too appropriate to pass up.)

Captain Hotpants

2008-06-13T13:19:00.004-04:00

Dear Ian,

Sigh. What the hell is happening? You've blown up like Veruca Salt. You've got your outfit together today, I'll give you that, but you make it hard to keep loving you. The pants help. Those are fantastic. And the shoes! Love the shoes. So what if Chris Berman just called you "Rod Stewart" - what the hell does he know? Have you seen his ties?

So listen, pull your head out of your pink plaid pants and get it into the game. I know you can do it. Get it together so we can have the pleasure of seeing whatever amazing lime green polka-dot, white belt, orange saddle shoe, yellow golf bag concoction you come up with for the weekend.

Thanks so much pumpkin.

Love,

EDIT: In the time since I wrote this little love letter to Capt. Hotpants (Oh captain, my captain...) the wheels have completely come off and I'm pretty damn sure he's done at the Open.

YEA! STEPHANIE!

2008-06-11T22:58:00.003-04:00

Phew.... I wanted a female Top Chef... but I wanted THIS female Top Chef... at least this year.

I'm stuffed... good night.

2008-06-11T22:45:00.002-04:00

Okay real quick before they announce the winner... so Lisa, by her own admission, got through by the skin of her teeth... and they always talk at Judge's table about how they can't consider a contestant's previous performance... just THAT meal... THAT dish... well, as I sit here worrying that I am never going to watch this show again... I wonder... maybe they should take each 'cheftestants' seasonal performance to date into consideration. After all, isn't consistency one of the factors that brings us back time and time again to our favorite restaurants?

Oh goody, the Top Chef but Hair show is coming back....

omg

2008-06-11T22:35:00.002-04:00

is she really becoming the judge's darling? are you kiddin' me?

Stephanie, did she even show up to this? Me fears she's a goner..

here they come to judge's table... could we not have put some chef's pants on?

Here I Go Again...

2008-06-11T22:25:00.003-04:00

HUGE scream in my household causing husband to come running into the library with a flyswatter and an AED... no coronaries or extra large cockroaches.. just Sarah and my first viewing of the trailer for the movie, Mamma Mia, starring Meryl Streep. In theatres JULY18th- all together now... WATERLOO! WATERLOO, BABEE....

2008-06-11T22:19:00.003-04:00

ononononono.... Tom's in the kitchen... this is about the time they throw them a curve ball... oops, false alarm.

why are they making them do a dessert? they know that pastry is a whole nother type of specialty that deserves its own show... oh, that's right, there is one... Ace of Cakes or something on Food Network...who wishes they'd thought up Top Chef.

Does it bug the other chefs in the kitchen as much as it does me that it's always the geeks in the group yelling out the time deadlines 'ten minutes! ten minutes!'. I bet they were the same people in third grade who would say 'I'll take the attendance roll to the office Ms Brown! I'll sharpen your pencils Mr Bleu!' Big Surprise that it's Miss Lisa reminding everybody of how little time they have left.

Something Smells Rotten

2008-06-11T22:07:00.003-04:00

I finally figured out who it is Lisa reminds me of when she puts on her 'losing Judge's table' face and why I think she should be spouting foul 80's cockney at Padma and Tom.

Johnny Rotten.

So put some of Richard's way cool really-impressed-the-celebrity-sous-chefs liquid nitrogen frozen tabasco in your pipe and SMOKE IT LISA.

jeez, I'm sick of her.

Top Chef... the Finale

2008-06-11T21:54:00.003-04:00

Ahhh... Puerto Rico... my heart's devotion... let it sink back in de ocean. Whoops! Sorry bout that, it's just that West Side Story is on my daughter's current hit list. Back to this century, it's tonight... it's now... 13 chefs down... some good, some not so good, quite a few better than one of the final three standing before us tonight... but so it is.

And away we go... here are the finalists sitting down to breakfast and looking like they are about to puke their guts out. At least Lisa admits she got thru by the skin of her teeth but if she beats them... I swear to god, tom, we're coming after you...

So richard and stephanie are tied with FOUR elimination challenge wins? And, again, how many does Lisa have? No way she can pull this off...

2008-06-11T21:14:00.004-04:00

Wednesday nights during Top Chef season are a family affair here at Chez Monkee. First I got my 10 year old son addicted (he's now 13 and owns an official Top Chef tee which I make him share); then my daughter, Mini-Me, got into the act and now it's a snuggly threesome on the loveseat as the kettle whistles, flames shoot up and our weekly fix of cooking-vicariously-through-others begins. Our favorite thing to do during the intro is, as each chef mugs for the camera, to recite either GONE or STAY whichever is appropriate. It's a lot of fun when it gets to the last coupla episodes because we're chanting 'GONE..GONE... GONE....GONE' with less than a handful of STAY's thrown in.

We rooted for Harold in Season 1. Have eaten at his NYC restaurant, Perilla. Loved it when Dave & Stephen showed up incredibly hungover to be Tiffani's sous chefs. Didn't matter, the right chef won.

Season 2- I gotta say I liked Marcel a lot more than most TC fans but knew he was too young to take it although he really banged it out in the finale. Still, I would've been a lot happier to see Sam or Elia in the top spot versus Ilan who seemed more of a one trick pony (spanish mustang specifically).

From the minute they started the first Season 3 quick fire which forced the 'cheftestants' (that's a bravo term, not mine) to assemble amuse bouche from the leftover pickins' of their welcome buffet, I knew which chef hung the moon and it was .... Hung. There was just no way anybody else was gonna touch him that year. Well done, sir.

So here we are at the end of Season Four... Richard, Stephanie and... Lisa??? WTF?? I'm sorry, remind me again how many Quick Fire challenges she's won? Oh, NONE??? And how many elimination challenges, ONE? And was that part of a team? And HOW MANY times have we seen her standing with the dregs of a challenge at judge's table with her chin all pulled back, bulging eyes half-mast , nose and face in a classic 'who farted' scrunch. I wish she was Bri'ish because I can just hear that face saying 'oh, you fu'in wanker. wot, dint like ma fu'in beans, you wankin' wanker'. I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter, as is friend Clai who should be chiming in tonight with some entertaining and informative comments. (Just remember girlfriend, you get to be Padma in our next life but only if I get your hand-me-downs)

I've had a hard time bonding with anybody this year. The dark horses came out late. I really liked Dale who should've made it farther and then, last week, the ax comes down on Antonia? My Antonia? For PIDGEON PEAS???? Clai and I had to regroup quick but in case you haven't gathered, we'll be rooting for the chefs with more than 4 letters in their name.

And goshdarnit, I would like to see a female Top Chef for once. But Stephanie's going to have to cook her butt off to blaze past Richard.

23 minutes and counting... can't wait to see what Padma is weaing.

Is There AnyBody Out There?

2008-06-11T19:09:00.003-04:00

Time: February, 2008, Outer Banks
Setting: A bar somewhere, maybe just a kitchen bar, two bored women, an empty bottle of wine (or two)

JL: Oh, your email crack'd me up today! Thought I'd die laughing...
KQ: You know WHAT!! We should start a blog... we're just as good as the fuggers or anybody else out there!
JL: You are SO right! Let's do it! What should we call it?

Three weeks later...

KQ: Okay, so Queen Beaches is about the only thing out there NOT taken.
JL: Let's roll with it..
KQ: I know, let's premiere with a live blog of the Oscars!
JL: Done! And we can do the PR finale, the SATC movie, there's so much to say about so many things!
KQ: And heck, who doesn't have the time!

Flash forward to June, 2008, OBX
Setting: one woman running a boutique solo, arranging dresses with one hand, texting with the other; other woman in a nearby locale unpacking UPS shipment of 8 boxes of books with the left, texting with the right

KQ: wtf is psswrd 4 blg
JL: dk, wat blg?
KQ: u no, THE blg
JL: o... dunno
KQ: thnx a lot
JL: k..gtg

In short, please be patient with the Queen Beaches, Queen Beach readers. Since school let out last week here's what's going on between the two of us: four kids at home, all day, every day. two boutiques to manage and run since a seasonal manager left KQ high and dry after a week on the job; one bookstore to manage; a water aerobics class to teach; restaurant reviews due for gayot.com, husbands to please and feed, in-store events and sales to promote and produce.... in short, while we always have the best intentions of keeping our blog fresh and updated daily sadly those intentions go the way of so many others like them. In fact there's a great Randy Travis song that even addresses the subject... something about the road to a very hot place being paved with good intentions.

We will be live blogging the Top Chef finale later this evening and please know that even when you think we don't care and that YOU the loyal and avid QB readers are the last thing on our minds, www.queenbeaches.blogspot.com is ALWAYS on our to-do lists!

Delores!!

2008-06-11T16:24:00.005-04:00

My sister sent me a doozy this morning. It's taken me all day to attempt to process what I've seen, and well, it's, well, I just....oh here. Take a look for yourself.

The Vulva-cycle*
(*Yes, you read that correctly and yes, there is a picture and no, you don't want to open it in front of your boss, parents or children. And no, that's not it's actual name. I believe it's actually called the Mobile Female Monument, but I think I'll be referring to it as the 'cooter-scooter.' It's also an article from Finland and has been translated into English courtesy of the internet, and by 'translated' I mean 'butchered'. What we do know is that it has "accelerated the people.")

I do highly recommend reading the entire article because there are some amazing quotes in there that I can't bring myself to repeat in this blog, much as I would like to. Trust me, you'll know 'em when you see 'em. It would make a hell of a postcard, wouldn't it? "Greetings from Finland. Wish you were here. No right here. A little to the left. Ah yes, there."

PS: Kudos to my almost brother-in-law for this astute observation:
I think that you need to add a photo of the Oscar Myer wiener mobile and muse over what would happen if the two met.

Final note: while searching for the picture, the website actually had the following headline:
"Wanna drive the dog?"
If I had a dollar....

Blue Moon

2008-06-04T13:04:00.003-04:00

I was working on my overdue SATC post when I stumbled across this fantastic little item:

UTRECHT, Netherlands (June 3) - Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a "mooning" that went horribly wrong.

A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke."

It says that at one point the 21-year-old "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere."

The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.

The injured man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital. (AP)

But did he leave a tip?

Moon over my-omelette?

Waiter, what's this ass doing in my soup? (The backstroke!)

Insert your own joke here...

Pittsburgh 4- Detroit 3

2008-06-03T06:34:00.001-04:00

PHEW!

Breaking the Tension

2008-06-02T23:35:00.004-04:00

So here we sit... 11:30pm... going into second overtime in a win or die situation for the Pens and thankfully a commercial came on that made me bust a gut and relax for a nano-second.

Ah, the good old days of the '70's when I thought Peter Brady could do anything. He was hot with that Puka necklace, right? And so sweet when his voice was breaking... and as he graduated from striped tee's to Greg's funky cast off shirts, his hair got moppier and dimples, well, dimplier. He could do it all- sing, surf, ride a cool big handle-barred bike up into the back yard, throw a football... but there is ONE thing Peter Brady aka Christopher Knight apparently CAN'T do..

The German wheel; which is some circus trick involving a huge wheel with a performer in the middle acting as human spokes as it spins lower and lower to the ground kind of like a spun-out quarter. Some big bulky guy in a singlet did it easily- Look, ma! One hand! And then, in a wonderful advertisement for an upcoming NBC must-see-summer-hiatus-filler-trash-show- Celebrity Circus- they pop a safely padded Peter into this thing, give him a little spin and the whole contraption just crashes flat to the floor with the middle Brady well, right in the middle. It was HIL-AR-ious.

(Apparently CK can't get enough... from The Surreal Life to My Fair Brady... now this. Is he a Reality Slut or did mom and pop not invest those earnings very well? What about residuals?)

Just a little commercial break from our regularly scheduled SATC programming... gotta go, second sudden-death overtime starts NOW.

We Come for Sex

2008-06-02T15:23:00.004-04:00

Yes, the QueenBeaches did attend the Outer Banks premiere of Sex and the City along with a myriad of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte & Miranda wanna-be's. There was so much to see... so much to discuss (and diss) that, having fully recovered from our weekend long, post-Sex hangover, we will now attempt to cover every aspect of the movie, every detail of jewelry, every hem and stitch of each fabulous dress, the Manolos! the Vuitton!... in short, we here at QB are all-consumed and will be devoting the next few weeks to the digestion and dissection of SATC. Let's begin with our arrival...

JL: Halooo America!

KQ: Omg, is that another dead rodent on your head?

JL: Excuse me, look who's talking? I happen to know that what you have on your head could be mistaken for a dead bird.

KQ: (huge intaken breath signaling offense)! This happens to be hand-made, custom, one of a kind feathered noggin' topper!

JL: Okay, so mine is everything you just said, too, but furred not feathered! Like shaken not stirred. Didn't the hat thing work for SJP at the London premiere?

KQ: Uh, did YOU think it worked?

JL: Oh just stop and start waving to all these adoring fans. Hallooo!

KQ: Dahlings!

JL: Hey, you almost busted my eye out with that arm! What's with that straight arm wave thing anyway?

KQ: Duh, have you seen Posh lately? It's like the only way to wave these days, she's even rockin' it in the latest Marc Jacobs campaign.

JL: I'm just going to pretend like I see a resemblence there.

KQ: Oooo, lookie! It's almost 7:10!!! We better stop posing and get into the theatre!

JL: S**T, here comes the driver of this thing. Run!

And thus we commenced into the theatre and sat mostly awestruck for the next two and half hours. Did a quick clothing change for the after party and proceeded to Ocean Boulevard for cocktails and discussion with the other SATC fans gathered there. Lots of ideas, opinions, likes and dislikes all which will come in good time.

Breaking News....

2008-05-30T10:30:00.008-04:00

THIS JUST IN... Sex and the City...the Movie!! Who knew?? That's right - the QB's can exclusively report - in what has been Hollywood's best kept secret - the beloved TV series will be turned into a full length feature film, and all the original stars have....what? Wait a minute... What's that? They've already made the movie? Well why didn't they PROMOTE the damn thing? So apparently tonight's the big premiere - not that anyone would know, what with the non-existent press and media coverage. Seeing how the QB's have our finger on the pulse of, well...everything, you know we'll be there.

7:10 tonight - RC Theaters in KDH. I'll be in my fabulous fur chapeau and Jamie is busting out the beaver (hat!). Or sweatpants. Could go either way. I'm feeling bloated. Anyhoodle...if the movie sucks, (and quite frankly if you couldn't tell I'm already kind of sick of it) it's only a couple of hours to make it through until martini-time. Even if you can't make it to the movie, be sure to meet us at Meridian 42 after the flick for a QBtini. Should be there around 9:45ish. We'll see you beaches later!

I'm so sorry

2008-05-30T10:23:00.001-04:00

Sorry readers, the Premiere entry was not supposed to have been posted yet. You'll just have to wait to find out whether or not those are rodent skins on our heads...

So You Think You Can Dance....

2008-05-28T10:49:00.003-04:00

But can you do this:

I love this kid.

The Kids Are(n't) Alright

2008-05-26T21:47:00.003-04:00

A message to Sid & the Kids...
boys, I'm sorry if the Queen Beaches have been causing a bit of a distraction for you lately. However, I just wanted to be sure and let you know there is this thing going on at the Joe Louis Arena in Michigan called the Stanley Cup finals... and the Detroit Red Wings are there... quite a lot of their fans and a few of yours, too... plus millions more watching Versus at home and it would be really, really nice IF YOU GUYS WOULD SHOW UP!!!!!!

Happy Memorial Day

2008-05-26T15:43:00.006-04:00

On this national day of remembrance, I think it's only appropriate we take a moment to step away from the burgers and dogs, put down the Budweiser can, and with due reverance, honor those who have served our country. Anyone who knows me knows I am not typically one to wrap myself in the flag, or be prone to overt displays of patriotism. In fact, on more than one occasion I have been called something along the lines of a 'damn hippie liberal' and I'm 100% cool with that label. My father-in-law proudly fought in the war, my dad was a Marine, I have brothers-in-law and a stepdad who served - I've been around distinguished and honorable military men and women my whole life. I have the utmost respect for our military and am in awe of the sacrifice they are willing to make on our behalf for too little respect, pay, benefits, and services when they come home. But that's a different blog. This is a shallow, politics-free blog.

So anyhoodle, from the comfort of my couch last night I watched the National Symphony Orchestra's annual Memorial Day Concert on PBS. I enjoy tuning in every year, not so much for the typically bizarre collection of perfomers -- ok I admit as I girl I had a wicked crush on Bo Duke, but seriously - John Schneider? Gladys Knight & Idina Menzel: total pros, and Sarah Brightman was incredible. No, my favorite part is when each branch of the military is honored with the playing of their songs. I get chills when they show the crowd, particularly the old-timers who, if they can, still stand at attention, and the active members in their uniforms, and the wounded veterans, and the families -- all proudly saluting, many overwhelmed with emotion. It's incredibly moving, even for a cynic like me. Well. Then they introduced Rodney Atkins (who?? i know. country music star. whatever.) to sing America the Beautiful. And for his appearance on a national stage, to honor America, in front of dignitaries, politicians, and millions of Americans, THIS is what he chose to wear:
(well, basically the same outfit, just a different t-shirt. I couldn't find a picture.) Seriously dude? This is the best you could come up with? If you need some help figuring out what to wear, tell your stylist to call me. Or call the Marines.

I've got a Golden Ticket

2008-05-26T10:25:00.003-04:00

Okay, so we're pretty much going to be beating this like a dead horse for the next few days- BUY YOUR SEX & THE CITY TICKET NOW!!! The official Queen Beaches viewing is Friday, May 30, the 7:10 show. Martinis and post-movie discussion to be held at Meridian 42. Possible unveiling of the new Queen Beaches signature cocktail. If you haven't bought your ticket yet... WHAT THE ----- ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

No, really, I'm FINE

2008-05-24T18:45:00.002-04:00

So the McCain Camp released over 1,100 pages of health reports and histories this week all towards the goal of convincing everyone that despite his age and the natural thoughts of mortality that come along with that he is in fine shape to take control of the country.

ELEVEN hundred pages???

Me think thou dost protest too much.

You're Either In...Or You're Out

2008-05-23T17:14:00.007-04:00

Alright beaches....bust out your calendars, crack open the blackberries, make a playdate for your husbands and call the babysitter -- here's the gameplan for Sex and the City meets Sex on the Beach.

When: Friday, May 30 at 7:10 pm
Where: I'm pretty sure you know where, since there's ONE movie theater.
How: Go here to purchase your tickets in advance
Then what?? Meet us at Meridian 42 Restaurant immediately following the film to live blog your thoughts, reviews and smart-ass comments (oh wait, that's me).

Apparently I'm going to have to show SJP how you wear a feathered hat. ** sigh ** I've got to teach that girl everything!

Therapy RULES!

2008-05-22T10:53:00.003-04:00

A really good therapy session can leave you exhausted, drained, emotional, a little unsure of things said, done and felt, but ultimately relaxed, happy and ready to go deeper. Throw in some fabulous new purchases and a pair of Alice Cooper's pants and well...you've got my Tuesday night.

Perhaps I should explain...

Retail Therapy was, as we like to say, the shizzle. Even with the drizzle. (Okay so mabye it was more like torrential downpours, but it's amazing how you don't pay attention to that while cruising down the road in a fat (or is that phat?) limo. "Wow the sky is SCARY black. Is that a twister? Pass the Korbel! Woo Hoo!!") Big shout out to Eddie & Ben from Outer Banks Limo, and Limo Mike from High Life limo in Virginia for the sweet rides. We started with yummy apps from Meridian 42 at Diva's Day Spa & Savvy Home, where I was somehow able to convince myself I HAD to have that fuzzy rocker I've had my eye on for a year now. Got myself a great new nightgown & some yummy body powder at Luxury, a cute bag and fun treats at Plum Crazy (have to go back and get some butterflies), watched everyone buy the dresses I was going to get at ally&maddy (damn you Steph!) and then topped off the evening with an incredible dinner at Coastal Provisions Market. Scott, Dan, Nina & crew outdid themselves with great food, great wine, & great service. Our fabulous sponsors from the Hawkins Team (Whit - my hangover and I thank you for the champagne) and Diamonds and Dunes (Eileen - I would post our quote of the night but I'm not sure I can) were on hand for the hi-jinks.

It was a terrific opportunity to make some new friends, spend time with old friends and raise money for a good cause. A great time was had by all and I'm so appreciative for all the hard work that Stephanie, Keely, Brandy, Kat & Megan put into making it such a fantastic night! As soon as someone is kind enough to send me some pictures I'll be sure to post them. (Note to Steph, Whit & Jeanel -- my photoshop skills are good enough now that I can add the 'Glamour Don't' black bar, so don't worry, I've got you covered.)

Oh yeah, so you're probably wondering about the pants. In our determination to make the evening as charitable as possible, we sauntered on down to the Brew Station for the shin-dig they were hosting to raise money for a local family dealing with cancer. It was a lot of fun -- raised thousands for a very worthwhile cause, and great local bands were rockin' the house. Well, we thought we'd head up to the silent auction "just to check it out" and wouldn't you know there were a pair of pants autographed by the one and only Alice Cooper. With the current bid at what I thought was a BARGAIN, and a healthy glow from a few too many cham-pipples, I put pen to paper and raised that bid! "Hey! It's for charity! So you're broke (I said to myself), but surely someone will outbid you". That was a great plan until I turned around and the "auctioneer" informed the group that bidding was now, in fact, over. And I had a new pair of pants.

Um, no. Not those pants. But if anyone needs a father's day, birthday, or any-occasion gift for the Alice Cooper lover in your life, call me. I can get you a great deal.

Blogworthy news

2008-05-21T17:07:00.003-04:00

A few things I heard on NPR last week that brought out the Word Police in me-

1- in a story about I can't remember what, maybe illegal immigrant deportation, they were talking about a woman with a 'fairly minor drug conviction'. Huh? I turned to dictionary.com:

fairly: moderately, tolerably; as in a fairly heavy rain
minor: not serious, important, etc.
drug: a habit forming medicinal or illicit substance esp., a narcotic
(subset: illicit: not legally permitted or authorized)
conviction: the state of being convicted
(sub: convicted: to find or prove (someone) guilty of an offense or crime especially by the verdict of a court).

Okay, just so I'm clear here, we're talking about someone who was found 'guilty by a court of law' of a charge involving 'tolerable, not serious illicit substances'.
Isn't this like saying somebody is kind-of pregnant?

2- in a story about the Oklahoma tornadoes (a true tragedy) I swear to god I hear these words during an interview with an eyewitness who was standing outside his business- a 'bridal salon/feed lot'. No, I didn't mistake the first word for bridle because they went on to say that some of his wedding dresses were found 60 miles away.

and from Yahoo! News (I love this one)-

Sid and The Kids go to Stanley Cup Finals
(aren't you impressed? I waited a whole three days before even remotely gloating about my Penguins incredible 6-0 trouncing of Philadelphia!)

Note to Quinn: are you feeling incredibly relaxed and invigorated after your night of therapy? Or...... not?

Please Pass the Tissues...

2008-05-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

Ever since Quinn posted her all time favorite Bunny list of hook-up songs, I've been preparing a response. After much thought, I've decided to break my lists down by eras, because really, as life changes doesn't one's auditory sensory needs change as well? So here is my first list...

MOST PLAYED BREAK-UP SONGS BY ME 1980-1984

1. Without a doubt, Hello/Lionel Richie. Doesn't really qualify as a 'break-up' song but when my high school bf went off to boot camp it was all I played for the three months he was in Texas. After which, he came home, I went to college and we broke up. Several times.

2. Open Arms/Journey. Probably worked for any number of lesser class beaux.

3. Heartache Tonight/Eagles. Any time I walked into a dance from seventh grade to twelfth and they played this song within the first thirty minutes.. well... look at the title, people.

4. Just back from his Phillipines 'From Rex, With Love' tour where apparently he is hot, hot, hot! Ladies and gentlemen, REX SMITH!!!!! You know, REX SMITH!!!! Okay, let's try this again... a 'multi-talented performer whose natural singing ability has led him to a successful career' (that's from his website), star of the hit 1979 TV movie Sooner or Later (and played Danny in Broadway's Grease), singer of the platinum hit- You Take My Breath Away. NOT the one by Berlin OR Queen OR Merill Osmond. R-E-X S-M-I-T-H. Just click here please http://www.rexsmith.com/

Okay, before #5, I must add a disclaimer because only faithful reader Jojoagogo will understand otherwise. Southern York County, Pennsylvania, is rather rural. When I was in high school I could look out my Biology II window and watch the Ag boys tuning up their tractors... which they drove to school. I dated farmer boys, farm workers, farmer wannabe's, and plenty of other plaid shirt wearing, red-blooded american car driving healthy young males who knew how to sling a bale of hay and drive a pick-up truck to a field kegger. Which is why I had a hard time choosing this last song from among several possibilities in the Alabama discography...

5. Lady Down on Love, Alabama. Listen to these lyrics...
'Her mind drifts back in time to a mid-summer moon, when he asked her to marry and she gladly said ok. And a woman came to be from the girl of yesterday.'

So granted this is also attached to the fuure-army reservist who was the love of my life senior year, and maybe Randy Owen isn't as hot as I thought he was the THREE times I saw them in concert... but you know what, if it weren't for this blog, I never would've been running through the Alabama hit list, wandering down Memory Lane and thinking 'Shit, y'all, I need to get me a copy of Ultimate Alabama!'
(Pleeeeze don't tell my husband!)

High School Beaches

2008-05-19T20:36:00.005-04:00

Jamie: Zac! What are you DOING here!?

Zac: Well, you know, I'm a big fan of the Queen Beaches and when I heard you would be making an appearance at the Duck Woods High School Musical family dance, I told my publicist- screw the Narnia premiere, I'm goin' to North Carolina!

J: Oh, you sweet, sweet thing. And you left Gabriella at home?

Z: Well, you know, Vanessa's not really my girlfriend. And we are NOT dating. And I was appalled by those 'private' pictures.

J: NOT dating? Really? No wonder, poor dear, she is WAY too young for you.

Z: What do you mean? She's only a year younger than me. She was born in '88.

J: Exactly what I mean, hon. See, I was graduating COLLEGE in '88... so you do the math and tell me who can teach you more of life's lessons, share a wealth of knowledge and pass on many, many more experiences...

Z: Oh, I think I see what you're getting at...

J: Do you, hon? Because I can be a bit more direct.

Z: No, no... I definitely fee... I mean, see what you're getting at. Why don't you give me a sip of that martini and we'll go somewhere quiet?

J: Sorry, hon. One thing the Queen Beaches know is the legal drinking age and you won't hit that until October. However, we happen to know for a fact that you're perfectly legal for, shall we say, other vices. Hey, look! Paparazzi! Smile!

Z: Okey dokey, but what do their credentials say? The Daily Beaver? Never heard of 'em...

J: Like I said, lots to learn, baby, lots to learn....

(Photo: Claiborne Y., The Daily Beaver)

Sit on it, Ralph!

2008-05-18T20:59:00.006-04:00

Quick note after a one night trip to Williamsburg where I discovered something VERY important at Busch Gardens that I must pass on immediately. My 9 year old loves seeing the shows- anything will do- so we went to the one in Ireland that takes place in a 'castle' with one of those wierd automated puppet leprechauns and some real chick he was giving wishes to. So one of her wishes in this bizarre little drama is to become a leprechaun herself. Poof! Wish granted- lots of smoke, she disappears and lo and behold her twin emerges dressed, naturally, all in green. Top hat, knee length knickers, cropped waistcoat, you get the picture. She looks down, looks out at the crowd and says, I swear to god, 'I look fierce!'. A bit later, she's looking around the disheveled 'castle' and proclaims it a 'hot mess'.

Queen Beach readers, I am here to tell you that Christian Siriano, winner of Project Runway 4, has officially....JUMPED THE SHARK.

PS (I must confess that after a good long look at the green leprechaun outfit she also said she would 'make it work' but since I'm still hoping Tim Gunn is going to show up at my door one of these days, I'm not going to diss him. He's my #1 gal pal!)

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

2008-05-16T14:42:00.005-04:00

While strolling through G:TB the other day, I was tickled pink to discover we share a mutual love of the Old 97's. Of course, they then proceeded to smack me around with their far superior lyrical knowledge. In an attempt to divert attention from the fact that I was way out of my league, I somehow was able to deftly switch the conversation to the topic of "hook up" tapes. After a lovely little saunter down memory lane, I came up with the brilliant idea of the top 5 hook up songs and/or lyrics of all time. This is by no means a definitive list and I know there are many MANY others out there and I'd love to hear them all. This is just my humble opinion, based on personal taste, fond memories, and how effective it may have been on yours truly. Let me also share two other important facts: A) most of these songs come from my own "bunny mix" aka "the rabbit" mix. Bonus points to anyone who gets that reference. B) Anything performed by Eddie Vedder automatically closes the deal.

[I apologize in advance for the crappy youtube links. I don't have a lot of time to go searching for better quality examples. Don't watch. Just listen. Unless otherwise instructed.]

Without further ado...

5. Movin' In, England Dan & John Ford Coley
Coming out of the gate strong with this one. Greatest booty-call song of all time. I've embedded the video because this one is actually worth watching, particularly for the groovy suits, hair-do's and the guy in the back on the keyboards who I THINK is wearing silver sequined overalls. Full disclosure: Up until a few years ago, I seriously thought the lyric was "I'm not talkin' bout the linens...". Not talkin' bout movin' in makes SO much more sense.

4. Come Around, Sister Hazel
Makes the list for the following lyric:

Sky fell down and pulled us in
Stole away my oxygen
And left me standin' breathless there with you
The ocean wrapped around the sun
The smell of June - the taste of your tongue
Was all I'd ever need

Indeed.

3. Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band
Like Chanel. A classic. Suits any occasion, and only gets better with age. (pretty good vid clip too)

2. Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing, Chris Isaak
Okay this one started as an honorable mention. Then I watched the video and holy hell he got bumped right up to #2. It takes a special, special man to look hot in a beater tank and tight purple pants, and that my friends, is why Chris Isaak is on every list I have.

1. Let's Get It On, Marvin Gaye
Just perfect in every way. And now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a cigarette.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!!

2008-05-16T11:42:00.004-04:00

Sorry for having gone AWOL for a little while there -- covert ops, can't really tell you about it or I'd have to kill you -- that kind of thing. I could give you lots of legit excuses for my absence, but I'm guessing you don't really give a shit. I've been thinking about you though. Many, many things to catch up on. A blog back-log if you will:

1) JMe - Oh you're on, beeeeyatch! Bring it!! I'll whip that ass into shape Jillian style. QB bikini boot camp is now in session. We'll set up a schedule and you better be ready to WORK. You can pay me in chocolate. Or martini's, whichever. (We'll post the schedule in case anyone wants to join in on the 'fun', heh heh...)

2) SATC party. I'm in. Game on. Got the perfect chapeau already, just need to dust off the stiletto's. (Sorry Dr. Craig, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. It's an outfit!!) And I propose we officially adopt "sex on the beach" (get it? get it?) as our signature cocktail. Any objections?

3) Retail Therapy. I've been hearing a lot of "i'm seriously thinking about it...." No more thinking ladies, time to get off the proverbial pot. It's guaranteed to be a FABulous time. All the money goes to the ally&maddy retail therapy fund -- a charity we started to encourage entrepreneurship, financial independence & self esteem for young women on the Outer Banks. (QB's in training, if you will.) How many times do you have the opportunity to be chauffered in a limo with your favorite girlfriends, free champagne flowing, exclusive deals & steals @ your favorite stores (I hear the party at ally&maddy is going to be GROOVY man!), a killer SWAG bag, AND a gourmet wine tasting dinner, all in the name of charity?? You've all had a busy spring, a busy summer is just around the corner....treat yourselves to a night out just for you!! I'll even throw out an offer to sweeten the pot - if we can get 5-6 more ladies to pony up, I will spring for magnetic signs for the limo -- so that way you can cruise the OBX in your tricked out Expedition limo adorned with the message "Beaches on Board!" (Check out http://www.retailtherapyobx.com/ or call me at 261.4005.)

4) I'll be back later with some musical thoughts for a Friday afternoon. Carry on, beaches. Carry on.

2008-05-16T00:51:00.012-04:00

Nothing like a little competition, I always say. And after watching approximately 100+ innings of softball and baseball and 12+ hockey playoff games so far this Spring, I'm feeling a wee bit emulous myself. I also haven't heard anything from Quinn's kidnappers which leads me to believe there ARE no kidnappers which means she's got herself dug in deep somewhere. Thus, I am going to attempt to lure her out with a Queen Beach Ultimate Fat Fighting Smackdown.

Katherine, we all know about your fitness background, the physical trainer thing, etc., etc. Girl, it's time to put yo money where yo mouth is. I am offering MYSELF up as your sacrificial lamb giving you ONE month to get me into any type of bathing suit shape that's even REMOTELY better than what I'm looking at in the mirror right now. We both have access to the gym, I'm willing to try and follow any routine you map out for me and if you can impart even 1/10 of your self-control to me it will be more than I've ever had in my life. Please be my Jackie Warner. (Plus, I give you good press in the summer North Beach Sun!)

June 16, baybee. Do you have what it takes to make me the next Biggest Loser?

(Readers: don't worry, if this doesn't resurrect her I'm pretty sure chocolate always works.)

Disclaimer: The photo accompanying this entry is a completely photoshopped image used in an hysterically funny email traveling the internet under the heading 'Why NFL Quarterbacks Need To Keep Their Names Short'. This image, NOT OF A REAL PERSON, in no way should be interpreted as any type of discriminatory statement made by the managers of this blog and, in fact, was selected as being the most accurate depiction of the fat butt of one Queen Beach who is, indeed, a Steeler fan (read: not Katherine). Ergo, please hold all the PC comments. Tx.

Yep, I'm still up.

CALL ME TWITCH-MAEL

2008-05-16T00:19:00.005-04:00

Well, well, well.... here I am... 12:15am. Can't sleep. Couldn't possibly be the 30 ounces of caffeine laden lattes I had today. I'm normally a strictly decaf girl but May has been so crazy that today I let down my guard and figured what the hey-hey. I was already suffering from a bout of adult onset ADHD (translation: I go bouncing around the store starting one project after another without actually finishing any of them) and since a cup of hi-test usually brings said symptoms on, I naively thought that perhaps it would work in reverse as well.

Not so. Thus, here I sit. Wondering when the kidnappers are going to call demanding a ransom for Ms. Quinn who has been MIA from the Queen Beaches blog now for almost a week (with the exception of her know-it-all little comment about Cynthia Nixon's premiere dress. Do ya always have to be right?). I'm really hoping they don't want my seashells, but if a couple of clams can win KQ's freedom, then so be it.

So here's an AWESOME idea for another Queen Beach event courtesy of friend Elizabeth regarding the upcoming Sex & The City movie (which I am starting to titillate about). It's a Friday night... May 30... 7:10... who's up for it? If you let us know you're in, we can go ahead and start buying tickets which are ALREADY AVAILABLE people! Or, buy your own and meet us there- we'll be the ones in the middle of the front row doing our best imitations of SJP in the early SITC days. You know, everything looks really wrinkled and put-together-in-a-dark-closet but comes off as incredibly chic. (Never worked for me before, but hey, there's a first time for everything.)

Here's the best part... it's a 2 hour and 25 minute show... which means it will let out at 9:35pm leaving PLENTY of time for- you guessed it- MARTINIS somewhere FABulous where we can hold a full-frontal Queen Beach Forum (which we will live blog!) discussing all things related to (or not) this long awaited feature film.

And now to sleep- perchance to dream! (of Birkins, Manolos and Choos, oh my!)

In or Out?

Leave us a comment!

5/30/08. 7:10pm. 27948.

Be there or be so not worthy.

Good Old Garden Variety Sex

2008-05-13T14:49:00.004-04:00

Yes, yes, we here at Queen Beaches are very excited about the upcoming Sex in the City movie. Things have just been so busy here what with beavers and mermaids (hmmm, sounds like a Narnia movie) that we have neglected to mention it.

However, after seeing these pictures from the London premiere of the movie (which debuted on that side of the ocean almost three weeks before coming out here)... I have just one thing to say:

If Cynthia Nixon isn't wearing a Laura Bennett design (PR #3) I'll eat SJP's hat.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-10T23:00:00.001-04:00

A few months back, after one of my mini-rants about the RHW of OC, Monika left us a comment suggesting that perhaps we should investigate the possibility of a Real Housewives of the OBX. Well, I've given much consideration to that idea and, in fact, contacted a certain Reality TV based network about the proposal. After outlining the basic premise to them, I received their quick reply: No. Fortunately, they included their reasons:

1- In order to keep up with an OBX Real Housewife, camera crews would be required to work more than the 3 hours a day required for other similar shows.

2- In fact, overtime would be necessary since OBX RHW are on the go non-stop from 6am (or earlier) to 11 pm (or later) and even the Reality TV Camerapersons Union won't approve that many extra hours. I believe their exact words were ' it is inhumane and exhausting to demand that type of performance from anyone'. Apparently they've never met the superhuman wundergirl known as Outer Banks Woman.

3- the Union representing the drivers for said camera crews has expressed concern that even their best drivers would be unable to keep up with an OBX RHW darting and dodging tourist traffic on the bypass as she gets child A to piano, child B to soccer, pops in to HT, transfers child B and friend to OTM practice, takes child A home to change for softball, retrieves dry cleaning, swings by the bank, grabs a bottle of much needed wine from Chips, retrieves child B ..... you get the picture.

4- There is fear that amidst all the realness of the lives of OBX Real Housewives, there is little time for the petty arguments, constant gossip and insignificant drama which are deemed such an 'important' part of the other shows. In response to this, I quote Eleanor Roosevelt: Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Little minds discuss people.

In short, a 'real housewife' of the OBX i.e. children's rights advocate/household engineer/car service driver/laundress/personal chef/tutor/domestic goddess/gardener/committee volunteer (many trying to eke out an income from an actual paying job at the same time) are apparently too real for reality TV. Like that's a bad thing? Maybe Katherine and I will dust off the camcorders and produce it ourselves! Stay posted for an audition schedule... first requirement: you must be a QB devotee.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Queen Beaches out there!
You're FABulous..... and Happy 39th forever Birthday to Whitney 'Jaclyn' Harrison!
J.

Playing with the Google Gods.... again

2008-05-10T08:40:00.005-04:00

Okay, running the risk that I might really anger the Google Gods or something, I'm going out on a limb here and, just in case my Pens have some downtime soon with nothing better to do than google themselves, am trying to get the Queen Beaches on their radar. (This being the 2008 technological equivalent of throwing underwear at David Cassidy, I'm sure.)

So here goes..... Sidney Crosby, Sidney Crosby, Sid the Kid Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Evgeni Malkin, Evgeni 'Gino' Malkin, Ryan Malone, Ryan Malone, Ryan Malone, Marc Andre Fleury, Marc Andre Fleury, Marc Andre 'the Flower' Fleury, Marian Hossa, Marian Hossa, Hossa!, Jordan Staal, not his brothers, Jordan Staal, Georges Laraque, Georges Laraque, Georges 'the Rock' Laraque, Go-o-o-o-nchar, Gary Roberts, Adam Hall, Maxime Talbot, Brooks Orpik, Kris Letang, Ryan Whitney, Petr Sakora, RUUUUUUTTTTUUUU!!!, Scuderi, Kennedy, Dupuis, Eaton, Gill, Penguins, Penguins, PENGUINS!!!!!!!!!

(Hey, don't knock it; remember when I did Jamie Layton, Jamie Layton, Jamie Layton? It worked.)

Go Big.... or Go Home

2008-05-09T10:52:00.018-04:00

[Attn: QB readers. We've replaced your usual blogging with something new. Since apparently it's impossible for us to be in the same room at the same time ala Batman & Bruce Wayne (or Diana Prince/Wonder Woman), we are attempting to co-blog from separate locales. Jamie has taken the lead and I will be chiming in with my smart ass comments. Sort of like she's the sweet ice cream in the sundae and I'm the creamy whipped topping. Or the nuts, depending on who you ask. Let's see what happens...]

So Wednesday night was the second annual Wine & Cleave Party. Now for those of you not in the know, this is an awesome pay-to-play party thrown by four hostesses with the mostests, Avery-Claiborne-Jennifer-Robin. [and their 8 very impressive breasts.] There's great food, lots of wine served by the one and only Shane of Blue Point fame [he of the light-hearted wit and heavy-handed pour] & some pretty kinky decorations. (Read to the end.) Cool women pay to attend with all proceeds going towards Breast Cancer research- now do you get it? Cleave- as in cleavage as in tatas, boobies, the twins, melons, etc. (Many of Jamie's close friends will be SHOCKED she is using those terms as she is an avowed hater of all names used to describe these features of the female anatomy [yet she has no problem flaunting her beaver all over the internet]. Have you ever heard anyone say 'I titty fed all my children?' [only at NASCAR races. Zing!] NO. Because they are BREASTS [And they are spectacular. All of them.]. But in the spirit of Wine & Cleave, she is giving herself a one-time personal exception to that rule.)

So the Queen Beaches put it all out there.

and......

Believe it or not, Farrah/Jamie even had papparrazzi due to the mistaken notion she was a Disney princess (Ariel). Yeah, right, R-rated Disney maybe. [Coming soon to a theater near you: The Little Mermaid III: Under the Sea, Under the Influence and Onto the Pole.] And Katherine/Sabrina's 'I like it Dirty' martini bikini garnered some rather randy suggestions. We have to say there were some fabulous examples of decolletege on display (yo, Tami!) and once again, we are proud to be part of the ranks who call themselves Outer Banks Women. Now male queen beaches readers are probably saying, yeah, but if it was all women and no men why weren't they just wearing jeans and tee's? Oh, much as the QB's hate to burst your bubble, boys [bullshit. we LOVE to burst your bubbles], women do NOT dress for men. Especially once attached. No, we dress for other women. It's true! [Really it's all panties and pillowfights, but you don't get to see those pictures.]

[Evidently Jamie's superpowers include levitation. And I'm now 6'2"]

Now, regarding the naked Ken barbie dolls with black glitter g-strings [don't forget the wire rimmed glasses, a very classy touch. Very college professor by day, chippendales dancer by night.] who were doing unmentionable things to each other all over Claiborne's house... kudos to Renee Landry for these inventive yet disturbing accessories. [Either way, bravo! I love it when a decoration is both aesthetically pleasing AND informative.]

We did learn an important party tip: just because there are baskets of squirt guns lying around does not mean all party guests are into playing Charlie's Angels. I do however want to know where the hostesses bought them because their range was amazing. Don't you just love the way they came in SO handy when we- amazingly enough- found predators lurking in Claiborne's pantry?Always ready, my friends. The QB's are all ways ready.

[KQ would like to offer a reward to anyone who can find her ass. It seems to have disappeared...like her boobs.] Katherine- take some of mine, please! JL

In true Queen Beach fashion, we were fashionably late, overstayed our welcome, drank more than the minimum, probably said a few things too many but luckily for us we can't remember. [Side effect of the chardonitits.] One day we'll be like Paris & Nikki and get paid to attend these things. So, where's the next party? We need to order our tiaras. And remember, beaches, what happens at Wine & Cleave doesn't always stay at Wine & Cleave.

Good night Charlie,

Farrah & Sabrina.

Big Flub

2008-05-08T21:00:00.000-04:00

Whilst getting my hairs cut yesterday I was leafing through a recent issue of Allure when I saw this picture of the one and only Chloe Sevigny. Imagine my surprise when I discovered she herself designed this springy ensemble for her new Opening Ceremony collection. I was even more alarmed when I read what she had to say about it which was something like 'I think this is just perfect for going on a stroll down the street'.

Carnation Street, maybe? Wisteria Lane? My-Great-Aunts-Chintz-Armchair Way? Or is she designing with her 'sisters', those poor FLDS women in mind?

I join the awesome professionals over at GFY and Sesame Street when I state for the record that these two things are definitely NOT like the other: Chloe Sevigny. Fashion Icon.

Who's with me?

The morning after

2008-05-08T14:08:00.006-04:00

Breasts. Boobs. Ta-tas. Knockers. Jugs. Melons. Skeeter bites (that one was for me). Call 'em what you want, but they were out in full force last night at the Second Annual Wine & Cleave party. BIG shout out to Avery, Claiborne, Robyn & Jennifer for a fantastic party and for such a great cause. I would LOVE to share some photos with you, but my partner in crime Ariel (just wait...you'll see) was in charge of the camera, and claims to have come down with a wicked case of chardonitits (that she attributes to Shane the world's luckiest bartender) and as such can't haul her mermaid tail out of bed. I have threatened to post the one smoky cell-phone photo I snapped if she doesn't come up with the goods by midnight, so stay tuned for further updates. That throwdown was such a good time we've decided we need to co-blog it. But that just wasn't gonna happen today. So tomorrow morning, over strong coffee, we'll be recapping the events as best as we can recall them. And we'll have pictures....

All is Vanity

2008-05-06T14:53:00.004-04:00

In a month rife with 'special days'- Mother's Day, Memorial Day, May Day, Hawaiian Lei Day (which was May 1, so damn, there goes my chance to get, well, you know), Armed Forces Day, National Dance Like a Chicken Day (I swear), etc ... I've decided to go out on a limb here and declare the first official Queen Beach sanctified holiday... guess what, QB readers, today is... National Google Yourself Day!!!

Now, I shamefacedly and apologetically admit that I have been the first to accuse not one but several people of having had this habit. I apologize because their unexpected results have give me much pleasure. First there was the author (Hi Lesley!) who found her name (and book) on the website of Duck's Cottage in a list of upcoming selections for our reading group. She got in touch and was able to join us by phone for the discussion of her terrific novel, Whistling in the Dark. Then there was the old classmate who found his name within this blog. I don't know who will surface out of cyberspace next but the anticipation and suspense is delicious.

So finally I sat down and (gulp) did it myself... googled myself. Luckily I don't share a name with anyone more famous than I so was tickled when me, myself and I popped up on the first, second and even third page of search results. (My husband is not so fortunate as he has a namesake who is a renowned drummer consuming the first 20 pages or so of results that we looked at.)

Today we give you permission to shake off that mantle of shame (most likely a hold-over from a childhood filled with remarks like 'who do you think you are mister?' and 'what makes you think you're so special?'). Go ahead, let vanity RULE the day and the keyboard.... and if there are any other potential sponsors out there for NGYD, say the Society for Identity Theft Prevention or the Narcissus Association, we welcome your financial participation.

Note: One expected entry which did not show up anywhere in my results was, incredulously, this blog. So in order to rectify that... Jamie Layton, Jamie Layton, Jamie Layton. There.

So much to say...

2008-05-06T08:03:00.002-04:00

Okay - lots going on and I've found little time to post lo the many things I have to share. (Full disclosure - most of these have come from Tara and bless her little heart for trolling the internet for such amazing little gems.) So as time permits over the next few days I'll be offering numerous enlightening and entertaining tidbits, including digging up old acquaintances that I can shove into Jamie's virtual face as I continue to kick her ass in the "friends and family name dropping tour '08." Ivan, I'm claiming you and your soon to be epic performance in "Play On."

But a couple of Tuesday morning quickies to get you started:
You MUST check out our second favorite blog, Gheorghe:The Blog and their latest topic. The picture alone is priceless, and I must admit, not a bad idea. I mean, not that I would EVER condone such behavior, but as a parenting technique I'm sure I've done worse. Plus the kid seems doesn't seem to mind. I think all of us should start posting in their comments - get a little cross-blog pollination happening. You know, like back in camp: the girls of cabin B challenge the boys of cabin X to a blog off after the campfire tonight! Whoop Whoop! Ok Gheorge boys, BRING IT!

Tara also offered the following observation and insight in an email last week:
Is Dwayne Wade seriously dating Star Jones?

...has all of that
losing made him jump on the crazy train? Or is he just trying to make sure
people don't forget about him in this exciting NBA post-season?

An excellent question dear friend. I don't have the answer, and the mere thought of the two of them together makes me shudder. I can almost picture how it all went down (it's a little long, but stick with it. trust me.):

(My apologies for the poor editing and quality. It was the only clip I could dig up. Tara, could you get on that?)

Beaver Shots

2008-05-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how pervasive beavers are... seems you're running into one any which way you turn. Which is why it was so ironic when- in the midst of a discussion about what kinds and types of beavers he prefers- Chris and I ran right into some at Jamestown Settlement. Now, I ask you, why is it the female gender which is always accused of having only one criteria on which they judge males? As you can plainly see by this picture, it is just as important to men. Witness my poor perplexed husband as he tries to decide between the big beaver.... or the little beaver.

PS (No, the t-shirt was not a planned prop.)

6 Degrees

2008-05-02T08:47:00.004-04:00

I am a firm believer in the whole six degrees of separation theory. I'm pretty convinced that in just four degrees I am intimately connected with the British royal family. Here's an interesting six degrees for ya:
Andrew Lloyd Webber and..................Eric Cartman. Yes, really. Here's how to do it. Andrew Lloyd Webber composed the The Phantom of the Opera. Howard McGillin is currently playing the role of the Phantom on Broadway. Howard also supplied the singing voice of Gregory in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (one of my husband's top three movies of all time). Eric Cartman is, of course, a major South Park antagonist. Hence, stay away from the cheezy poofs, Lord Webber.
Here's another funny one... several months ago Quinn was in the midst of her Famous Friends & Family contest, although she was more or less playing by herself (might as well be WITH herself) because I couldn't find anyone for my team. I work in a bookstore. Saw something somewhere about a movie coming out this year called A Dog Year. Wondered if it was based on the book (which we carry) by Jon Katz. Went to IMDB. Found out yes, it is based on the book. Took a quick look at the cast (headed by Jeff Bridges) and saw one Josh Liveright. So, since this was the same name of someone I went to middle school with, I threw it out there as a possible player for my team.
Lo and behold, the Josh Liveright from my 70's found the name of the Josh Liveright from the double zeros on our blog (Josh, do you google yourself? It's okay, lots of people do.) and responded that indeed, it is the same, one and only Josh Liveright.
If you read our comments (see I Feel Pretty), you're probably thinking- okay, so that's like old news. However, I was so astonished by this comment coming as it did out of a time chasm of, like, 20 years or more, that I am only just now able to acknowledge and respond. (plus, remember, my puter was broken!)
Josh, if you're still out there, more comments please with updates on where you are- how you are- whatcha doing- have you read Max's books- etc., etc.
And I will now consider myself to be connected by a mere three steps to Jeff Bridges. sigh.

HOLD everything...

2008-05-01T13:28:00.000-04:00

STOP the presses.... turn OFF the TV and HOLD the phone... Katherine, tell Bobby Brown he just got served and GO home because there is no way, no WAY, NO WAY he can hold a candle to this juicy news.. Bobby Trendy is alive and kicking- come on, you remember, BOBBY TRENDY, from the Anna Nicole Show which YES YOU DID watch at least one episode of. Admit it already. Okay, so Bobby (Anna's interior decorator, self-proclaimed movie star, drag queen and inventor of such clever quips like 'opinions are like butts (slap!), everybody's got one!'... has been really busy the past eight months apparently, unbeknownst to myself. Seems Bobby and Daniel DiCriscio (Anna's hair stylist) have been in a huge cat fight that ended up on some TV Judge show. Unfortunately, I did not see the show but my boss, Allen, who shares my proclivity for shows like Anna and Dog: the Bounty Hunter, was slammed against the wall in astonishment when this pair walked through the doors and into the courtroom of Judge Whoever. So now Allen is curious- 'Bobby Trendy? THE Bobby Trendy? He's still out there?!!' Runs to his laptop, heads to youtube, types in the aforementioned bobblehead's name and hits the mother lode!! There is Daniel threatening to 'kick Bobby's a**'... Bobby snaps back with one vitriolic comment after another... Bobby calls Daniel a crazy raccoon... Daniel calls Bobby an angry beaver (well, actually, I made that one up)...the one thing they can agree on is that the other absolutely, positively does NOT deserve a role in the upcoming Anna Nicole biopic. In fact, according to each of them, Anna didn't even LIKE the other male beyach much less thought of them as a FRIEND. You can waste hours of valuable American productivity hours amidst this neo-celebrity trash-talk fest. But where is Howard? And what is his two cents on the subject?

I RULE!!

2008-04-29T20:50:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I amaze even myself. Did I, or did I not predict the participation of one Mr. Neil Diamond on American Idol? Well peeps, I did. Allow me to remind you:

And now that I know he's out pimping a new album, 5 bucks says he shows up on American Idol this season.

You can read my whole post by clicking here: Queen Beaches

Yup, that was me. I said it. Now, I'm not actually WATCHING American Idol, cause, well...it sucks. I just thought you'd like to know that I've got my finger on the pulse of American pop culture.

In the words of a true reality show genius, carry on people. Carry on.