Must See TV

Be sure to tune into ESPN's Outside the Lines this Sunday morning at 9:30am. TJ Quinn - ESPN investigative reporter, insider, analyst - will be presenting a report on the enablers of baseball's steroid era.

The Enablers: 'Outside the Lines'

Since George Mitchell released his landmark report into performance-enhancing drugs in baseball, much of the focus has been on the players he named. But the 311-page report also paints a picture of how a culture of doping was able to take hold. It's clear now that as steroids spread throughout baseball, people in the sport knew about it, but few saw it as a moral or ethical issue and still fewer spoke out about it or tried to stop it. Sunday morning at 9:30, EDT, on "Outside the Lines" on ESPN, investigative reporter T.J. Quinn considers who should have been watching out for the game and examines why they didn't.

Hell yeah he's my brother and I couldn't be more proud. By the way TJ, can you talk to someone over there about changing the sign off to "Reporting from Washington, TJ Quinn, ESPNallyandmaddy.com?" I think it has a nice ring to it. Thanks....

Polling our readers....

So this morning I'm writing up descriptions for my website and I write the following re: a new bag: 'it has a strap on...' and before I can finish the sentence I'm completely cracking up like a 16 year old boy. strap on... heh heh. It made me ponder why, even at an age when I should be exhibiting at least some maturity, I just see the 'dirty' in everything. But I KNOW I'm not alone. My good friend Matt informed me of a news report he had heard about a presidential primary, where the reporter said "2000 New Hampshire residents were polled earlier today." OUCH!

Well then that got me to thinking about my friend Tracy who lost it in an executive board meeting when the president of the co. kept talking about the new hires' duties, which Tracy heard as "doodies" and fell into uncontrollable fits of giggles every time they repeated it. And you know how futile it is when you try to suppress that kind of inappropriate laughter. So I want to put it to the readers to chime in with their own stories of adolescent humor and/or an occasion when they lost their composure at a most inopportune time. I'll get the ball rolling with an entry of my own:


1) The aforementioned Matt and I had gone to see my favorite singer, Tony Bennett, at Constitution Hall in DC. This was, as you can imagine, a much nicer venue than our usual concert stops (9:30 club, Norva...) and damn if we didn't feel like grown ups for once. Well, that wouldn't last long. The seats were packed in quite tight, so we sat shoulder to shoulder as the masterful stylings of Mr. Bennett washed over us. I should also point out that like Tony himself, most of the audience were card carrying members of AARP. Several songs in, Matt and I noticed the gentleman in front of us had obviously been so relaxed by the music that he had, in fact, fallen asleep. And in all my years I have NEVER seen anyone "pecking corn" with such ferocity. I thought the dude's neck would snap. And yet, he didn't wake up. At least not until the end of the song when the roaring applause jolted him from his slumber and he chimed right in with clapping, whoops and hollers. Then the next song began, and Farmer Sleepy was at it again, nod nod nodding his way through the entire concert. We were HYSTERICAL! I mean the kind of giggles where your stomach hurts, your eyes water, and just when you think you've regained your composure, BAM! you just fall apart at the seams. But there was another factor - see, since we were packed in like well aged sardines, every time I would start to lose it again, Matt could feel my shoulders start to shake so then HE would crack up. Then we'd get our shit together for a minute and one of us would set the chain in motion once again. It was a helluva concert though. :)

And did anyone ever see the Today show cookng segment when Jamie Oliver was teaching the anchors to cook fish and he kept commenting that Anne Curry had a "lovely red snapper?" I was so happy to not be the only one to catch that -- I thought Matt Lauer was gonna lose it. If anyone can find that clip for me, I will be eternally grateful.

Anyone else?? Anyone? Sarah - remember our trip to the NYC theater?

Confessions of This Shopaholic

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I went shopping up to the big ole V(of)A today. (The Outer Banks is great but guess what- NO Targay, H & M, Banana, BB&B, Steinfart, J.Crew or DSW.) So every few months good friend Janet and I hit the road for a day of shop ‘til you drop. Today was one of those days. It was more of a ‘get stuff for the home’ mission, but we checked out some fashions here and there and for the most part walked away disappointed and clutching only a t-shirt or two from Old Navy. Then we hit the Maxx… duh-duh-duh-duh and repeat… TJ Maxx. Now, I’d pretty much given up on this place. It used to be my priority Numero Uno and I would hit it before anywhere else; I learned PDQ you really were going to need one of those baby shopping carts so grab one on the way in. When traveling, I would hit the closest store whether it was near my Mom’s in PA or in Hilton Head . After awhile I realized not all TJM are created equal. The quality of the store depends on its location. Hence, the store in a tony area is more likely to boast Michael Kors bags, a Runway section and multiple Mercedes in the parking lot while one five miles away in a going downhill fast suburban mall area hasn’t been cleaned in three months, features looks you could find at your local GCF and 10 year old Camry‘s out front. Guess which type was closer to my normal haunts. But a few weeks ago I wandered into one of the good ones and found the red bag I’d spent the better part of three years searching for (ask Janet). Found a cool pair of Tommy flips. Saw a few things I would’ve tried on but there wasn’t time as we had tickets to the LIMITED ONE WEEK ENGAGEMENT 3-D Best of Both Worlds Tour Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus movie (of course, this was the SECOND week of the now unlimited run, nice work Disney). So today I threw it out as a potential hit to Janet, she’s up for it, we target one in Va Beach that might be a good one (it was) and head on over. Incidentally, this one is a Home Goods, too, which is a whole other store in itself. Find the lampshade I’m looking for and a basket; look over the shoes, hit the clothes… nothing. So I head over to the Intimates corner to look for some new PJ’s (unfortunately, the adorable Hello Kitty 3-piece set doesn‘t come in non-junior sizes). Janet meets me there and we find the ONE critical item our closets have been missing all these years- a BIG, PADDED BUTT. I’m so not kidding. Picture a pair of Spanx or other shape wear type of panties. A little high rise, thick, stretchy fabric, turn them around… it’s A BUTT!!! Think the same type of serious, molded padding that a heavy-duty DDD bra employs, make it look like two nicely lifted cheeks and you have it! A big…. padded…butt. Now, I don’t know what the article of clothing could do for a nice pair of jeans… or for your life, for that matter. But, Father, I want one. There, I said it.

A hair raising observation

On Oscar night, and in subsequent 'best dressed' round ups, there has been a lot of love out there for Jennifer Garner. As you know, Jamie and I were not fans of her look - yes, she's very, very pretty - but that damn sweeping bang was driving us batty. Any 'do in which you can actually SEE the hairspray is a bit too much, especially when the stylist is going for what's supposed to be a casual messy look. I'm sorry, but it can't be casually messy if it's shellacked within an inch of its life.
Anyhooo, I've been re-visiting this and other pics I had saved for my post-oscars post, and it wasn't until watching last night's PR episode that the light bulb FINALLY went off.






One final question, why does Renee always look like she's wondering, "who farted?"

Jamie's PR Highlights

When the next-to-last PR started I wasn’t really sure why I was inhaling the pairing of Chardonnay and Chocolate covered pretzels… by the end, I knew. My favorite highlights, not in any particular order: Tim Gunn say f’in… not the real f-word as an active word, but ‘effin’ as in f’in. TIM! You’re a real person! Then he shows up in the WORKroom in a turtleneck and leather blazer (he’s working’ that blazer the whole show)- has he ever not shown up in a suit in the workroom? Tim’s chillin! The picture of Rami’s mother in full bridal mode- omg, she looks JUST like Jillian!! Chris… the hair thing… I love Tim’s comment ‘You’re livin’ in the monkey house!’ … ‘cept to my husband and kids, I’M the monkey. Back to the hair thing.. This should make us feel good, right? It’s just hair extensions, people pay all day long to buy magazines, watch movies and listen to CD’s featuring fembots with extensions, but why is it kinda icky on clothes? It should feel better than fur, right? But why does it feel so Third Reich? I can’t answer that but love that Michael Kors slides right through it. FINALLY… after all these seasons, in the workroom a bareass baredy bare model’s butt… bending over!! Nice editing..not. Rami’s black formal dress… looks like black used car lot fringe. Chris’ black formal dress… Oscar worthy (especially this year). Then there’s that weird black and white dress of Rami’s that Nina gushes over. Am I wrong or is it not only hideous but looks just like a guinea fowl? But not as flattering. So now I understand why I am gorging on this awesome combination of chard and choco-pretzels (that my Mom brings from PA- thanks mom!) - I want Chris to win and am obviously carb-loading to show my love for the chub. PLEASE, please, please don’t let Rami win…. And then Rami f’in wins. But wait, it‘s not over… wow, Rami and Chris have a very long, touchy-squeezy hug followed by a long, lingering look with heads almost diving in for a little lip action. Now did anybody see the reunion last week? These two couldn’t keep their HANDS off each other. This week they’re roommates (for a night), maybe this was the spark? I dunno… but its looking like somebody else is Mclovin’ some chubby.

a REAL pain in the A$$

Okay, I was just getting some IRONING done (capped because that word is going to be very important in a minute), watching Project Runway reruns and just trying to busy myself while eagerly anticipating tonight’s last-episode-before-the-finale PR. Suddenly some promos for other Bravo shows comes on , and one IN particular reminds me of a pet peeve I’ve got to get off my chest. Real Housewives. REAL? HOUSE? WIVES? Are you kiddin’ me? I’ve been a housewife, know plenty of housewives, was raised by ‘em, drink with ‘em, love ‘em. MY housewives. My REAL housewives. Just as there is almost no part of their bodies which can still be considered ‘original’ neither is there anything about them fitting their moniker. Come on…. Have you ever seen Lauri at a PTA meeting?? Jeana in the grocery store juggling a toddler and a cell phone? Cooking (other than in their incredible custom-masonry outdoor kitchens)? PIcking up trash with Adopt-A-Highway Coto? Where are the soccer games they have to leave halfway through to get to the piano lessons? Where are the bumper stickers ‘Mom’s Taxi’? And… da-dah!… can you even picture Vicki ironing?? What a ruse the spin-off RH of NYC is going to be. Money says they A- don’t ride the subway; B- have never shopped for an entire week of groceries at one time and C-have never sent jellybeans and Pringles in for preschool snack saying ‘Beans! Potatoes! Veggies!’ Now go hug your favorite housewife and let her know how REAL and REALLY cool she is.

Hollywood Ragin'

The Beaches LOVE a celebrity feud. We look forward to the day when we can follow in the pages of US Magazine another battle of "firecrotch" proportions. But I think you'll agree, the smackdown between Jimmy Kimmell and Matt Damon is getting gooood. In case you haven't been following the excitement:

First, there was this...




Then Jimmy's gal pal Sarah Silverman gets involved...



And then THIS...




(god i love Huey Lewis.)

Breaking News....

this just in...and i KNOW you'll find it shocking.

Apparently Pam Anderson wants to have her two month marriage to Rick Salomon annuled. Gosh, and they looked so happy here...

According to the AP wire, she is seeking to end the marriage based on fraud, and no other details were provided. Poor, poor Pammy. You can take some comfort in the fact that your marriage lasted longer than Eddie Murphy's did! And at least now you've gotten rid of that third big boob that was weighing you down.

Jamie's Oscar wrap-up

So, to try and gain a little perspective for my Oscar wrap-up, I went and checked out the Best and Worst dressed photo galleries on MSN.Entertainment. Let's look at their list- Marion Cottillard: kinda kooky in a 'snatch' kind of way (see live blog), I'll let her live. Helen Mirren- oh, let's all grow old gracefully shall we? Jennifer Garner- that hunk of hair in her eyes all night was driving me coo-coo but after what she had to put up with from the Buse on the red carpet, I'll give her a pass too. (But let's keep in mind, there wasn't THAT much competition on this boring, foot-worn red carpet.) Which brings us to Renee Zellweger??? Are you KIDDIN' me? Look, I'll admit I had a thing for Renee/Bridget... she's the only celebrity since Tatum O'Neal I've ever been compared to... when I was single (read: between marriages) watching Bridget Jones was my ultimate pre-game movie... I'd be struttin' round the house, lacquering my nails, sipping wine, primping for a date/function and watching her bounce between Colin and Hugh. But like Katherine, I am so over that Bridge... the hair gets shorter, the dresses slinkier and I'm so OVER the pout and carbs! You need some good carbs! She's so on my worst dressed list. Penelope Cruz... don't remember, don't care. Katherine Heigl... definitely my LEAST favorite red dress of the night. I'm gonna call her Heidi-Heigl Wannabe for awhile. Heidi and Anne Hathaway tie for my favorite red dresses of the night and honestly, they looked gorgeous. It just ain't fair. I'm gonna lump Cate Blanchett and Jessica Alba together because while they looked great for being preggers and all, does anybody really even notice or care unless they are themselves pregnant at the time? Didn't think so. Amy Adams- cute at first, kept getting her confused with the Wedding Crashers chick, but she just kept popping up too often with her Bag O'Nothin'. I think the producers must've been sick of her too because they really s**t on her by giving her a best song nomination to sing (which she performed in the movie Enchanted) with NO costume, NO dancers, NO nothing... then Kristen Chenoweth (who WASN'T in the movie) sings another song from Enchanted and they pull out ALL the stops. Amy, try being a little bit bad, it might get you places. Last but not least we have Keri Russell... I'm sorry, she's here because why? Getting noticed for that dress because why? Everything was just serendipitous until things got felicitous. Coming up next... MSN's Worst Dressed list- who should be moved over to the Best list and why; who shouldn't count (Nicole, yep, she's got a bun in the oven, too) and why facial hair can be a turn-on or turn-auf.

Happy Birthday Kenny!

In honor of your birthday I had Jamie prepare a little video for you:

Stop! Hammer time....

Check this out:




The trailer for Adam Carolla's upcoming movie, "The Hammer." That man playing the boxing coach? Yup, that's my dad. Inside word is that the movie is good, and very funny. Opens in select cities on March 21 so be there opening night! Okay, so by 'select cities' they mean only in New York and the West Coast, but you're due a vacation, right? Break a leg, TQ! We're pulling for ya, and a hit would TOTALLY help our inheritance.

11:53 - wrap up

just saw a re-cap of jennifer hudson's dress. i'm going to go ahead and say it -- i love that dress. and i'll tell you why. i hear women in the store every day (well, in the summer anyway) say how they can't wear white, must hide their bodies in black. well it's no secret j.hud isn't petite, she is a proud, curvy woman and she damn well should be. she is working that white dress and let it be a lesson to all of us that the only rule of fashion is to play up your assets and absolutely own what you're wearing.

so all in all a kind of snoozer oscars, but it was hella fun having good friends (who brought good wine) to watch it with.

fave dresses:
jennifer hudson (see above)
anne hathaway - love the color, love the hair, love the detail on the roses. damn you ella enchanted, i want to hate you cause you always seem like you're above the whole thing but you work it.
diablo cody (winner, screenwriter for juno) - i mean it's not that the dress was so great (it was good), it's that she had the only unique look of the night. everyone else is so damn styled that it's boring. but you could tell she was being authentic and herself and i loved it.

least fave:
renee zellwhatever: same boring strapless, can actually SEE the supposed to be seethru straps (SO tacky), and that hair is painful. and seriously, stop pouting and eat a cheeseburger.

ok, i'm watching the q&a with marion cotilliard - don't know if i love the dress but she looks beautiful and she's got that quirky, crazy french thing going on and i'm loving her! and now she's singing! really REALLY well! she rocks! have 'la vie en rose' sitting on the coffee table and will be watching tomorrow morning when i should be working.

kq OUT.

11:44

sometimes i'm a little slow to catch on (damn kenny, how DOES that ball stay up?) but i'm guessing based on the best director montage, that we've arrived at the best director award. hey, here comes "brows" scorsese. i love the coen brothers and am happy they won. cute speech. and how much does frances mcdormand rock, first for just being so f'ing cool, and second for busting out the big whistle!

best picture.....here we go. normally, i've seen one of the nominated films and therefore cheer heavily for that one, but since i've seen NONE of this year's nominees i don't find myself incredibly interested. uh, i mean....i'm on the EDGE OF MY SEAT!

no country for old men!! guess i'll be adding that one to the netflix queue. got to love an acceptance speech where the (male) winner gives his "partner" a shout out and refers to him as 'honey'. AND we get to see javier bardem again, so YAY!

11:34

ok, we've finally arrived at the good awards. halle-f'ing-lujah. nice tribute to previous best actor winners. always enjoy seeing russell crowe in his "ducky" phase.

helen mirren is hot.

daniel day lewis is an incredible actor. not loving the grey, but he works it. but that one clip of him covered in mud looks a little like tom selleck circa mid-80's, no?

wow. viggo. putting out the cig on your tongue. kinda hot. can almost make me overlook the facial hair. plus you get points for bringing your very cute niece as your date, and showing her some love.

ddl wins again. cute bow to queen helen. he's so eloquent, though i must admit i'm a little swayed tonight by anyone with an accent. (everything sounds better with an accent. even that one guy with the slightly douchey looking facial hair won me over with his scottish lilt.) nice shout out to your wife, but holy hell what is with the bejeweled breast plate? it's been 5 hours now and i still can't figure that damn thing out.

11:30

ok, been having some technical difficulties, but seriously don't think i've missed much. mostly been the snooooooooooooore portion of the program.

THRILLED to see the woman who wrote "juno" (which, shocker, i also haven't seen but did read a bio about said screenwriter) win. LOVE to see a tat and an animal print dress on a former stripper win an oscar.

11:05

we've arrived at the "in memoriam" portion of the telecast, where i sometimes find myself thinking during this montage every year, "oh! he/she died? didn't know they were still alive!"

but heath still makes me oh so sad.

11:01

well....here i sit now, alone, with not only my glass of wine to finish off, but kenny's and jamie's (hate to see it go to waste....) so i'll be solo blogging until i fall asleep, which could be anytime between now and 5 minutes from now.

c.diaz is looking BUFF in that ugly dress.

10:40

oh boy. we've got a standoff. i say the woman in the short reddish hair is (or at least looks just like) the ob-gyn that frequents the today show. jme says it's susan sarandon. to that i say HELL no. anyone know who the f*** this woman is? and why this old man is still talking?

10:34

holy crap! nicole kidman! in all her baby bump botoxed glory! jeezus what is she wearing? tinsel?

and this presents the perfect opportunity to comment on that riDICulous hair do many a starlet is sporting tonight. the messy pseudo bun with the "what? oh, my bangs? oh i'm a superstar. i didn't have time to bother styling my bangs. i just let them fall willy-nilly into my eyes and DAMN don't i look sexy!"

ps i think i can see my reflection from HERE on nicole's forehead.

jack

Jack... jack... of all the seventy plus - or is it eighty?- year old men who have appeared tonight on my TV screen, you are the only only one i would... well, you know... and probably... I'd let you keep your shades on....

oh to be cohy

so you were nominate about a month ago for an Academy Award for Best Sound Editing... you've had over 45 days to think about it... plan the outfit, unplan the outfit, hire the stylist, find a driver, a date, a raison d'etre... and now you're here, at the Academy Awards, and... OMG!!!... you WIN!!! ... and despite all the planning of shoes, seating arrangements, jewelry, chaperones and after-party plans all of a sudden.. OMG... you actually WIN the award, stagger up to the stage and then become absolutely all-at-once mute... you have no words... you are the proverbial caught in the headlights doe... have you really planned everything but an acceptance speech? has the excitement of the moment just summoned an extreme case o f amnesia? or.... are you just very, very coy?

10:05

jme asks: sound editing, why is this not at the luncheon? an excellent question.

9:54

oh holy lord. were they contractually obligated to run all this filler crap? the binocular thing? this ridiculously painful oscar voting bullshit? ack.

and now we have miley cyrus (i just realized i'm not sure how to spell her name and i'll probably have to pay some sort of royalty for just typing it)

and here is KICK ASS kristin chenowith (whom kenny has now added to his "list" and i kinda can't blame him even if she is a dwarf) singing the hell out of some song from enchanted which i haven't seen, but here's the quandry: why would they put poor amy adams (who clearly does not have the broadway singing chops of k.chen) on stage, all alone, in a REALLY bad dress, all alone, no staging to be seen, to sing a song...all alone... and k.chen who is a broadway STAR gets dancers, brides, even VILLAGE PEOPLE for chrissakes! we don't get it.

kenny is doing dishes, pouring wine and bringing us chocolate ice cream klondike sandwiches.

jerry,jerry

okay, i get a bee showing up.... but then I remembered the award for animated feature had already been given out... so I'm wondering... hey! why is the bee (Jerry Seinfeld) just now showing up and how come he wasn't nominated for a best animated feature? ... but I really didn't care and just assumed the bee was filler and went away but then, in midst of conversation with my co-blogger, i realized I was still hearing the bee (aka Jerry's) voice and realized the Bee was a Presenter... okay, I'm at home, seeing the Bee, hearing Bee... but what is the audience in the actual theatre doing all this time? checking teeth, lipstick, adjusting spanx, etc... because remember- they can't SEE the BEE!!!
and now Tilda has won... omg, as if she wasn't interesting-looking enough... now we get a really good look at her black velvet maude gown, we now realize she is so friggin pale that her excitement at winning translates into a definitive shade of green, I swear she's going to throw up at any minute.... but who can't love that name- Tilda Swinton... and that whole Narnia thing- too COOL... lookout Cate... this chick could become serious competition...
scuz me while I kiss my pretzel coated klondike bar.... and enter the diet coke Heidi Klum Oscar dress competition... and pour another glass ofDynamite Cab .... during a word from our sponsors....
and we're back with a pregger Jessica Alba announcing winners of previously announced awards....
okay...how excited would you be to win an oscar, at a 'luncheon'... that takes place two WEEKS before the actual Oscars... at an undisclosed place... I don't think Regis or Joan was there and, the big question, what do you wear? an ozzie harriet type Luncheon dress? A j-Lo caftan? what in the f-in world do you wear to a middle of the day 'who cares' oscar awards luncheon? How about stirrup pants, reeboks and a t-shirt that says 'word to your llama'...because really, wouldn't you just be stopping by on your way to the gym? I mean, does anything about it imply you should be wearing anything more?

9:27

1. i think i speak for the group when i say, we are not feeling kerri russell at all. hate the dress, hate the jewels, hate the front flap and the bony shoulder blade protrusions and any dress that takes a full fluff for every photo is just too much.

2. owen wilson. no way! sorry about the whole suicide, pill popping, depression thing, but perhaps you could work a bit on the french accent.

"okay owen, we know it's been a tough year. we really want you to be a part of the awards (be cause of your distinguished acting career?) , but we don't want it to be too taxing, seeing how you're still 'recovering' and what not, so we'll give you a category in which most people will be using the bathroom, or refilling their glasses of wine. or is that just me?

9:22

YES!! javier bardem. he won an oscar for working the "most chorible chaircut in chistory" -- and we LOVE his mama. senora es CRUNK.

9:21

i can't help but feel like i would totally be enjoying this more if i had seen ONE of these movies.

9:19

j.hud. nice tits. you sound a little winded from that looooong walk to the microphone, but you look hot girl.

9:15

i don't know who this lady is who won whatever random award we're on, but we love the blue dress, not a big fan of the face lift (too shiny, honey), and charlie was quite astute to point out that perhaps she's very euro and has NOT in fact, shaved her pits.

9:04

chris is on his "a" game tonight and was quick to point out that amy adams' shoes were a wee bit too big. please note the gap on her inner instep, or whatever it's called. nice attention to detail.

so seriously why is the Rock on the stage? he's not talented, not really an "actor", and apparently based on his last "joke," not funny.

8:56

well we're happy to announce that jme has actually seen an oscar winning movie. of course, it's rat-a-touille.


oh look, katherine heigle and another one shoulder red dress. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......................

Costume

Okay, wow.... the Oscar for Best Costume was definitely deserved by Alexandra Byrne for Elizabeth the GOlden Age because if the costume she showed up in... ie nerd glasses, half-granny, half- older aunt who wants to look sexy and still snare a man even though she's 49 dress, olive oyl hair and the piece de resistance, big ole mole on the upper lip... is any indication, this woman is a wizard and obviously Cate Blanchett loves her so yeah, the Queen Beaches definitely concur that this woman is the best costume in hollywood.... and btw, if for one small minute this evening we did discover we were jennifer garner, the first thing we'd do is PUSH that friggin hank of hair out of our eyes.

8:29

oh thank GOD. busey is back.

"hey tommy lee. how's it hangin? your aura looks fabulous tonight. mind if i cop a squat on your armrest here? whew! my dogs are barking..... so seriously tom, i just watched under seige earlier today. what the hell were you thinking? what? huh? you don't want to chat with me. alright. i'm gary busey godammit. GARY F'ING BUSEY! i'll can talk to anyone. i don't NEED you. ooh look...cate blanchette is waddling my way, i'll talk to HER."

wake me up

Okay, for whatever reason you are at the Oscars... most likely you are a member of the Academy, somehow, someway... maybe, just maybe, you get to actually walk onto the stage to present someone who is going to present someone with an award... or, if you're extremelytalented or lucky, you're actually NOMINATED for an Academy Award.... so, PUHleeze, answer me this.... Cameron Diaz, why would you wear such a NON color?? i Mean, blah... boring... hand me a kleenex because you look like one of their decor (not) colors - maybe 'underarm flesh' that goes with everyone's home.... and Amy Adams, picking your ear on national TV? National TV on probably three (at least) channels? do you not have an invisible colonial-era earpick in that art decor handbag? Ladies, this is the big time... please show it.

8:15

good god helen mirren is awesome. and hot. i only hope i can look half as good at 50 that she does as at 70 or however old she is.

8:13

k.heigl working the front flap.

8:09

my earlier post about javier bardem somehow is lost in the blogosphere, so let me repeat it:
yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

8:07

i don't know who the chick in the emerald green dress is, but honey, vpl, satin and hi-def are NOT your friends.

8:04

omg...apparently someone told marianne that you could see her snatch because now its like her little minadiere is glued between her hips... and those scales are definitely making for some sag action on the bosom...
and the last word on John, my first boyfriend's hair.... 'It's GI Joe hair.' Thanks Chris.

8:02

clooney's gal....bad dress. but i think your hair looks better on this channel.

8:01

okay, now we're in hi-def. now it's gonna get GOOD.

7:59

we're voting on katherine heigl's dress:

katherine does not care for the cut out on the shoulder (but the rest of the dress is good)
chris likes it.
kenny likes it.
jamie feels, "of all the red dresses......i didn't like the cutout. no."

7:57

chris asks: if you had to choose between natalie portman and scarlett johannson....


kenny is a big fan of natalie. we've suggested chris watch "match point" and get back to us...

7:51

oh yeah, and a brow wax wouldn't kill you, col.

7:49

colin colin colin.....the hair..the HAIR!! seriously, wtf? but your mom is kinda hot.

7:39

what is up with the ladies JAMMING themselves into the strapless dresses?
the resulting pectoral crammed fat is not attractive....we'll call it (courtesy of charlie) "front flap".

7:39

ok - this is the maiden voyage, but DAMN! we've somehow lost a bunch of posts. grrrr......

red carpet roulette

WTF????At my daughter's talent show Friday night, during act changes, a PTA mom got up and killed time by bringing children up on the steps and having them read off index cards either various knock-knock jokes, riddles, or children's answers to adult questions like 'when should you hold a girl's hand?' and 'how do you know you should marry someone?' .... apparently a representative from the 2008 Oscars was there and so incredibly impressed with our po-dunk north carolina presentation that he/she thought 'hey! what a great idea! I'm going to totally piss oscar viewers off by switching from the red carpet to a stupid kid in a suburban backyard asking a completely non-consequential question.... i'm sorry, producers, are you HIGH???

7:28

marian cotillard

Kenny: "a fish called wanda"

uh oh! we've just noticed either a very unfortunate shadow, or a) she's wet herself, b) she hasn't waxed and isn't wearing panties. whoopsie....

7:27

javier bardem.....yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

7:21

jme- i think miley montana has a cold sore.

7:17

hike it up cameron!!

jennifer garner is beautiful, but that HAIR!!!!!!

oh HELL yeah....gary busey....now it's a party!!!!!
let your freak flag fly buddy holly!! look at the shock and awe on j.garner's face! priceless. we suggest you can ryan seacrest and just let busey be a roaming reporter. give that guy a camera and a mike and this will be the greatest show EVER!!!

seth from superbad spotting in the background! yes - omg he's seth rogan's mini-me.

7:07

amy adams' purse. wtf? our first entry into the "accessory or neccessity" discussion...

invisible lipstick? we're thinking maybe the miniscule see-thru purse is also holding the following:

invisible condoms
invisible cocaine
invisible vibrator (a little pocket "...." makes the night go faster....)
invisible fake tanner, cause girlfriend is as pasty as i am!!!

7:04

so we're noticing the scroll along the bottom with the following quote (which i'm paraphrasing): "angelina jolie says people have made her life more scandalous than it really is....she's slept with 4 people in her life and married two of them." as chris said....didn't know she married her brother

7:01

john travolta looks like eddie munster

6:59

saiorse whatever.....your hair is pulled waaaaayyyyy too tight, but with that adorable brogue we'll let you slide. ps - drop the green eyeshadow next time.

John???

omg... vinnie? danny? what have you done to your hair? did you use a spray on special for the oscars? not working, honey, but we still love you....

jason

why is it the celebrities we love crash and burn early, but Jason Bateman won't go away? I mean, really, bring back Justine... we want mallory, but Jason and his older woman? i just don't know...
anne is looking beautiful but before she gets an A++ we need to see the shoes.
oh god, more hostesses who have watched way too many episodes of Real Housewives...
stop, Chris just spotted the biggest purple bag dog ever... no wait, that was some C-list's lavender fur stole... followed by a joan cusack lookalike with the worst posture ever...
the boys just voted unanimously that Ryan is either masquerading as a priest or the role of commentator at this evenings performance is being played by... A. Priest. Either be strong enough to do the whole black on black thing or not... but don't throw in a dung-colored collar to give you a spot of 'color'....

6:46 pm

george clooney is hot but his girlfriend could use a hair stylist...1) orange is not working 2) it's a leetle flat....

academy awards....aka super bowl sunday for chicks

off to a disappointing start as far as fashions are concerned, but all is going well at blog central (at least the wine is going down well....)