The Kissing Bandit

This one goes out to my good good friend - and you know who you are.




Let's try to keep things somewhat in control tonight, shall we?

Jaaaaaaamieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Hello??? Are you out there? Our little blog-dom is quite lonely without my fellow Queen. If anyone sees her, tell her I miss her. We all miss her. I offer up this little Friday Morning Video from our old Project Runway friend Jack to hopefully inspire and entice her to resurface. C'mon Jamie - take your passion and make it happen!!





(Credit the Fug Girls for finding this little gem.)

Today's Public Service Announcement

It's been a very interesting and informative morning here at QBHQ. This post started out as a quick reminder to all those tools out there who STILL insist on wearing those ridiculous bluetooth headsets. I thought I would be providing a service - a style tip if you will - to North Cackilaky drivers before the July 1 cell phone laws go into effect.

Well. Having done a little research and confirming this directly with a very friendly (please read with appropriate sarcasm) customer service representative from NCDOT, it turns out that in fact NorCar does NOT have a handheld cell phone law going into effect. It has twice been submitted to the legislature and to date has not been passed. So there you have it. Feel free to continue to drive at mach speeds up and down the roads of our fine state yakking away on your cell phone. Go ahead! Put it right up to your ear! Who needs both hands on the wheel? Just do me a favor. If you choose to put safety first and employ the bluetooth ear device, please put style second and take it off when you're finished talking.

I also stumbled across this little tidbit from howstuffworks.com. Don't know if it's true but I found this really funny so it doesn't matter.

Why is it called Bluetooth? Harald Bluetooth was king of Denmark in the late
900s. He managed to unite Denmark and part of Norway into a single kingdom then introduced Christianity into Denmark. He left a large monument, the Jelling rune stone, in memory of his parents. He was killed in 986 during a battle with his
son, Svend Forkbeard. Choosing this name for the standard indicates how
important companies from the Nordic region (nations including Denmark, Sweden,
Norway and Finland) are to the communications industry, even if it says little
about the way the technology works.

God help us if anyone ever invents the "forkbeard."

Yipperzooza!

Quick note: My 7 year old has coined this phrase and it's quickly caught on in our house as an expression of affirmative glee, as in: "We're going to the pool! Yipperzooza!!" "Did you like the Camp Rock movie? Yipperzooooooza!" Of course, Kenny and I have put our own sarcastic and off-color spin on it, "American Express called again. Yipperfuckinzooza."

I tell you this so you'll understand why it's the only word that expresses how excited I was to learn that my favorite TV show - Mad Men - will be returning on July 27. If you haven't seen it yet I insist you run out RIGHT NOW and order the first season on DVD (to be released July 1). Hailed by some as the smartest show on TV, and hailed by me as just freakin' awesome, it's the story of a fictional advertising agency in the early 60's. The creators of the show have totally nailed the look and feel of the era, the writing is incredible, the acting is fantastic (and John Hamm is hot, I'm not gonna lie), it's smart, funny, touching - in my opinion the best show on tv right now.

Watching a new show is like starting a new relationship. You see something that looks promising. You schedule your first date. You decide what you're going to wear (although in this analogy no makeup and sweats are usually the outfit of choice, so already it's better than dating). You tell a few friends, maybe even arrange a group date. You've got your programs that are the equivalent of a bad first date - they had so much potential, but the experience was a total disappoinment (Studio 60). Often times, you have a really good first date, get together a couple more times, but somehow it never seems to take off into a long term relationship (30 Rock, Men In Trees). Or you have several really good months, then they do something and BAM you can't stand the sight of them anymore (American Idol).

But. If you get really lucky, you find that very special relationship. You know you're in love after the first 5 minutes. When it happens to you, you just KNOW. You rearrange your schedule to be available, you spend hours afterward replaying every minute of your time together, you tell all your friends about your new love & want to introduce them, and can't wait until you can be together again. Things can go along swimmingly for years, but inevitably something goes wrong. Sometimes they change inexplicably and you lose interest (Grey's Anatomy), or you can just grow apart, or the timing is all wrong but the feelings are still there (The Wire). And sometimes they break up with you, leaving you broken hearted and wanting more (Oz, The Sopranos). If nothing else, you've always got your booty call shows: shallow & quick, but always satisfying (anything on VH1 or Lifetime).



I'm no expert in relationships. All I can tell you is this. I fell in love last year and we've been forced to spend some time apart. But my Men and I have a HOT date on Sunday July 27 at 10 pm, and I can't wait. Yipperfuckinzooza!!

It's a Sad Day

George Carlin has died.

I'm having a tough time thinking of what to say -- every time I try to write something, anything about this loss, I simply can't think of him without cracking up. For example, I can't say it was a freak accident, because then all I can think of is "two freaks in a minivan hit three freaks in a stationwagon." Or if I want to comment on how sad people across the country will be, I think of this:



So RIP George - there are a lot of words I could try to find to express how much you and your irreverent humor will be missed, but there are none better than these seven:

The Greatest Night In The History Of Ever.

I almost touched Eddie Vedder. True - would have been a much better story if I had made actual contact (like Kenny did) but being within an arms length of him was still pretty damn exciting for me. Tuesday night we made the trek up to Va. Beach to catch Pearl Jam at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre. Thanks to my newest best friend Ben, we had killer seats - 3rd or 4th row depending on who's telling the story. Eddie came to our side of the stage two times, and we rushed the stage both times like the true (dorks) groupies we are. The first time, Kenny went wide and was able to get a high-five from the Man. I was blocked by a woman in a wheelchair and even in my drunken hysterical groupie state of mind, I recognized it would be inappropriate to step over her on my way to Eddie. So I regrouped and was ready to run wide the second time around - succesfully making my way to the railing and though I didn't get the tambourine he ended up giving to the above referenced woman - tossed it to her right over my head mind you - I did get a very close look at EV, and a scowl from the security guy. So I've got that going for me.

If you watch the video, at about 6:03 you see an arm frantically, desperately, grabbing at Eddie's left leg. That would be me.

QB readers know of my deep deep love for Eddie. And now, as my obsession festers even deeper, I've been doing some additional reading and I've learned how very much we have in common. Both vegetarians, animal rights supporters, on the same page politically, both love surfing (ok I don't actually surf, but I still love the sport), we obviously like the same music...it's like Tara said, we'd have so much to talk about. **sigh**

You can only imagine how much it hurts me to NOT be in attendance tonight when he rocks the Verizon center in DC, but I've sent roving blog reporters Tara and Kenny in my place so I'll have some analysis tomorrow. Until then, I'm going home, drinking a bottle (uh, I mean a glass) of wine, cranking some Pearl Jam and thinking about how disappointed Eddie must be that I'm not there.

(Apologies to my dear pals at G:TB for slightly plagarizing their headline, but it was far too appropriate to pass up.)

Captain Hotpants

Dear Ian,

Sigh. What the hell is happening? You've blown up like Veruca Salt. You've got your outfit together today, I'll give you that, but you make it hard to keep loving you. The pants help. Those are fantastic. And the shoes! Love the shoes. So what if Chris Berman just called you "Rod Stewart" - what the hell does he know? Have you seen his ties?

So listen, pull your head out of your pink plaid pants and get it into the game. I know you can do it. Get it together so we can have the pleasure of seeing whatever amazing lime green polka-dot, white belt, orange saddle shoe, yellow golf bag concoction you come up with for the weekend.

Thanks so much pumpkin.

Love,

KQ

EDIT: In the time since I wrote this little love letter to Capt. Hotpants (Oh captain, my captain...) the wheels have completely come off and I'm pretty damn sure he's done at the Open.

YEA! STEPHANIE!

Phew.... I wanted a female Top Chef... but I wanted THIS female Top Chef... at least this year.

I'm stuffed... good night.

Okay real quick before they announce the winner... so Lisa, by her own admission, got through by the skin of her teeth... and they always talk at Judge's table about how they can't consider a contestant's previous performance... just THAT meal... THAT dish... well, as I sit here worrying that I am never going to watch this show again... I wonder... maybe they should take each 'cheftestants' seasonal performance to date into consideration. After all, isn't consistency one of the factors that brings us back time and time again to our favorite restaurants?

Oh goody, the Top Chef but Hair show is coming back....

omg

is she really becoming the judge's darling? are you kiddin' me?

Stephanie, did she even show up to this? Me fears she's a goner..

here they come to judge's table... could we not have put some chef's pants on?

Here I Go Again...

HUGE scream in my household causing husband to come running into the library with a flyswatter and an AED... no coronaries or extra large cockroaches.. just Sarah and my first viewing of the trailer for the movie, Mamma Mia, starring Meryl Streep. In theatres JULY18th- all together now... WATERLOO! WATERLOO, BABEE....

ononononono.... Tom's in the kitchen... this is about the time they throw them a curve ball... oops, false alarm.

why are they making them do a dessert? they know that pastry is a whole nother type of specialty that deserves its own show... oh, that's right, there is one... Ace of Cakes or something on Food Network...who wishes they'd thought up Top Chef.

Does it bug the other chefs in the kitchen as much as it does me that it's always the geeks in the group yelling out the time deadlines 'ten minutes! ten minutes!'. I bet they were the same people in third grade who would say 'I'll take the attendance roll to the office Ms Brown! I'll sharpen your pencils Mr Bleu!' Big Surprise that it's Miss Lisa reminding everybody of how little time they have left.

Something Smells Rotten

I finally figured out who it is Lisa reminds me of when she puts on her 'losing Judge's table' face and why I think she should be spouting foul 80's cockney at Padma and Tom.

Johnny Rotten.

So put some of Richard's way cool really-impressed-the-celebrity-sous-chefs liquid nitrogen frozen tabasco in your pipe and SMOKE IT LISA.

jeez, I'm sick of her.

Top Chef... the Finale

Ahhh... Puerto Rico... my heart's devotion... let it sink back in de ocean. Whoops! Sorry bout that, it's just that West Side Story is on my daughter's current hit list. Back to this century, it's tonight... it's now... 13 chefs down... some good, some not so good, quite a few better than one of the final three standing before us tonight... but so it is.

And away we go... here are the finalists sitting down to breakfast and looking like they are about to puke their guts out. At least Lisa admits she got thru by the skin of her teeth but if she beats them... I swear to god, tom, we're coming after you...

So richard and stephanie are tied with FOUR elimination challenge wins? And, again, how many does Lisa have? No way she can pull this off...

Wednesday nights during Top Chef season are a family affair here at Chez Monkee. First I got my 10 year old son addicted (he's now 13 and owns an official Top Chef tee which I make him share); then my daughter, Mini-Me, got into the act and now it's a snuggly threesome on the loveseat as the kettle whistles, flames shoot up and our weekly fix of cooking-vicariously-through-others begins. Our favorite thing to do during the intro is, as each chef mugs for the camera, to recite either GONE or STAY whichever is appropriate. It's a lot of fun when it gets to the last coupla episodes because we're chanting 'GONE..GONE... GONE....GONE' with less than a handful of STAY's thrown in.

We rooted for Harold in Season 1. Have eaten at his NYC restaurant, Perilla. Loved it when Dave & Stephen showed up incredibly hungover to be Tiffani's sous chefs. Didn't matter, the right chef won.

Season 2- I gotta say I liked Marcel a lot more than most TC fans but knew he was too young to take it although he really banged it out in the finale. Still, I would've been a lot happier to see Sam or Elia in the top spot versus Ilan who seemed more of a one trick pony (spanish mustang specifically).

From the minute they started the first Season 3 quick fire which forced the 'cheftestants' (that's a bravo term, not mine) to assemble amuse bouche from the leftover pickins' of their welcome buffet, I knew which chef hung the moon and it was .... Hung. There was just no way anybody else was gonna touch him that year. Well done, sir.

So here we are at the end of Season Four... Richard, Stephanie and... Lisa??? WTF?? I'm sorry, remind me again how many Quick Fire challenges she's won? Oh, NONE??? And how many elimination challenges, ONE? And was that part of a team? And HOW MANY times have we seen her standing with the dregs of a challenge at judge's table with her chin all pulled back, bulging eyes half-mast , nose and face in a classic 'who farted' scrunch. I wish she was Bri'ish because I can just hear that face saying 'oh, you fu'in wanker. wot, dint like ma fu'in beans, you wankin' wanker'. I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter, as is friend Clai who should be chiming in tonight with some entertaining and informative comments. (Just remember girlfriend, you get to be Padma in our next life but only if I get your hand-me-downs)

I've had a hard time bonding with anybody this year. The dark horses came out late. I really liked Dale who should've made it farther and then, last week, the ax comes down on Antonia? My Antonia? For PIDGEON PEAS???? Clai and I had to regroup quick but in case you haven't gathered, we'll be rooting for the chefs with more than 4 letters in their name.

And goshdarnit, I would like to see a female Top Chef for once. But Stephanie's going to have to cook her butt off to blaze past Richard.

23 minutes and counting... can't wait to see what Padma is weaing.

Is There AnyBody Out There?

Time: February, 2008, Outer Banks
Setting: A bar somewhere, maybe just a kitchen bar, two bored women, an empty bottle of wine (or two)

JL: Oh, your email crack'd me up today! Thought I'd die laughing...
KQ: You know WHAT!! We should start a blog... we're just as good as the fuggers or anybody else out there!
JL: You are SO right! Let's do it! What should we call it?

Three weeks later...

KQ: Okay, so Queen Beaches is about the only thing out there NOT taken.
JL: Let's roll with it..
KQ: I know, let's premiere with a live blog of the Oscars!
JL: Done! And we can do the PR finale, the SATC movie, there's so much to say about so many things!
KQ: And heck, who doesn't have the time!

Flash forward to June, 2008, OBX
Setting: one woman running a boutique solo, arranging dresses with one hand, texting with the other; other woman in a nearby locale unpacking UPS shipment of 8 boxes of books with the left, texting with the right

KQ: wtf is psswrd 4 blg
JL: dk, wat blg?
KQ: u no, THE blg
JL: o... dunno
KQ: thnx a lot
JL: k..gtg

In short, please be patient with the Queen Beaches, Queen Beach readers. Since school let out last week here's what's going on between the two of us: four kids at home, all day, every day. two boutiques to manage and run since a seasonal manager left KQ high and dry after a week on the job; one bookstore to manage; a water aerobics class to teach; restaurant reviews due for gayot.com, husbands to please and feed, in-store events and sales to promote and produce.... in short, while we always have the best intentions of keeping our blog fresh and updated daily sadly those intentions go the way of so many others like them. In fact there's a great Randy Travis song that even addresses the subject... something about the road to a very hot place being paved with good intentions.

We will be live blogging the Top Chef finale later this evening and please know that even when you think we don't care and that YOU the loyal and avid QB readers are the last thing on our minds, www.queenbeaches.blogspot.com is ALWAYS on our to-do lists!

Delores!!

My sister sent me a doozy this morning. It's taken me all day to attempt to process what I've seen, and well, it's, well, I just....oh here. Take a look for yourself.

The Vulva-cycle*
(*Yes, you read that correctly and yes, there is a picture and no, you don't want to open it in front of your boss, parents or children. And no, that's not it's actual name. I believe it's actually called the Mobile Female Monument, but I think I'll be referring to it as the 'cooter-scooter.' It's also an article from Finland and has been translated into English courtesy of the internet, and by 'translated' I mean 'butchered'. What we do know is that it has "accelerated the people.")

I do highly recommend reading the entire article because there are some amazing quotes in there that I can't bring myself to repeat in this blog, much as I would like to. Trust me, you'll know 'em when you see 'em. It would make a hell of a postcard, wouldn't it? "Greetings from Finland. Wish you were here. No right here. A little to the left. Ah yes, there."

PS: Kudos to my almost brother-in-law for this astute observation:
I think that you need to add a photo of the Oscar Myer wiener mobile and muse over what would happen if the two met.

Final note: while searching for the picture, the website actually had the following headline:
"Wanna drive the dog?"
If I had a dollar....

Blue Moon

I was working on my overdue SATC post when I stumbled across this fantastic little item:

UTRECHT, Netherlands (June 3) - Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a "mooning" that went horribly wrong.

A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke."

It says that at one point the 21-year-old "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere."

The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.

The injured man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital. (AP)

But did he leave a tip?

Moon over my-omelette?

Waiter, what's this ass doing in my soup? (The backstroke!)

Insert your own joke here...

Pittsburgh 4- Detroit 3

PHEW!

Breaking the Tension

So here we sit... 11:30pm... going into second overtime in a win or die situation for the Pens and thankfully a commercial came on that made me bust a gut and relax for a nano-second.

Ah, the good old days of the '70's when I thought Peter Brady could do anything. He was hot with that Puka necklace, right? And so sweet when his voice was breaking... and as he graduated from striped tee's to Greg's funky cast off shirts, his hair got moppier and dimples, well, dimplier. He could do it all- sing, surf, ride a cool big handle-barred bike up into the back yard, throw a football... but there is ONE thing Peter Brady aka Christopher Knight apparently CAN'T do..

The German wheel; which is some circus trick involving a huge wheel with a performer in the middle acting as human spokes as it spins lower and lower to the ground kind of like a spun-out quarter. Some big bulky guy in a singlet did it easily- Look, ma! One hand! And then, in a wonderful advertisement for an upcoming NBC must-see-summer-hiatus-filler-trash-show- Celebrity Circus- they pop a safely padded Peter into this thing, give him a little spin and the whole contraption just crashes flat to the floor with the middle Brady well, right in the middle. It was HIL-AR-ious.

(Apparently CK can't get enough... from The Surreal Life to My Fair Brady... now this. Is he a Reality Slut or did mom and pop not invest those earnings very well? What about residuals?)

Just a little commercial break from our regularly scheduled SATC programming... gotta go, second sudden-death overtime starts NOW.

We Come for Sex

Yes, the QueenBeaches did attend the Outer Banks premiere of Sex and the City along with a myriad of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte & Miranda wanna-be's. There was so much to see... so much to discuss (and diss) that, having fully recovered from our weekend long, post-Sex hangover, we will now attempt to cover every aspect of the movie, every detail of jewelry, every hem and stitch of each fabulous dress, the Manolos! the Vuitton!... in short, we here at QB are all-consumed and will be devoting the next few weeks to the digestion and dissection of SATC. Let's begin with our arrival...

JL: Halooo America!

KQ: Omg, is that another dead rodent on your head?

JL: Excuse me, look who's talking? I happen to know that what you have on your head could be mistaken for a dead bird.

KQ: (huge intaken breath signaling offense)! This happens to be hand-made, custom, one of a kind feathered noggin' topper!

JL: Okay, so mine is everything you just said, too, but furred not feathered! Like shaken not stirred. Didn't the hat thing work for SJP at the London premiere?

KQ: Uh, did YOU think it worked?

JL: Oh just stop and start waving to all these adoring fans. Hallooo!

KQ: Dahlings!

JL: Hey, you almost busted my eye out with that arm! What's with that straight arm wave thing anyway?

KQ: Duh, have you seen Posh lately? It's like the only way to wave these days, she's even rockin' it in the latest Marc Jacobs campaign.

JL: I'm just going to pretend like I see a resemblence there.

KQ: Oooo, lookie! It's almost 7:10!!! We better stop posing and get into the theatre!

JL: S**T, here comes the driver of this thing. Run!

And thus we commenced into the theatre and sat mostly awestruck for the next two and half hours. Did a quick clothing change for the after party and proceeded to Ocean Boulevard for cocktails and discussion with the other SATC fans gathered there. Lots of ideas, opinions, likes and dislikes all which will come in good time.