What a Drag!

It's official (because my sister agrees with me)...Wednesday nights cross dressing Project Runway was the greatest runway show in the history of ever. It was auf the hook! (Ha! See what I did there? Suck on that Heidi!) That episode was so freakin' entertaining that I'm actually going to watch it TWICE. Drag Queens! Sequins! RuPaul! Gay pterydactyls! The mere thought of Michael Kors in drag! It's all just too too good. So humor me for one more night whilst I watch it again with unabashed glee, and I'll post some thoughts tomorrow. Or Sunday. Whatever.

In the meantime, Jamie has made the astute observation that we are in serious need of our own drag queen names. So far, I've come up with....nothing. I'm asking for your help people. Best submission wins a free bowl of 'candy'. (and if you watched the episode, you'll get that joke. hee.)

An Olympic Comeback

Sorry I've been out of touch dear readers. I've been suffering from a case of Olympic fever, which I seem to come down with every 2 years (unlike Bullets fever, which happens to me every year). I'm also in the midst of the mid-to-late-August Outer Banks Business Owners blues, aka when all the summer help returns to college and I actually have to WORK again. So it's about all I can do to keep myself awake at night long enough to marvel at the Olympic porn, much less get on my painfully slow computer and post a blog. And by Olympic porn, of course I mean the awe inspiring abdominals and biceps of the swimmers, divers, water polo players and gymnasts. Holy hell. I don't know if the USOC has cut back on the amount of fabric used in their uniforms as a result of budget cuts, or maybe they're going green & trying to 'conserve', but I think I speak on behalf of most viewers when I say, thank you thank you thank you! And though they have been relatively equitable with the eye candy for both male and female viewers, I must ask why the female volleyball players are practically naked while the men romp around in baggy tanks and shorts. Compared to the see-through dental floss the women are prancing around in, the men are practically wearing burkas! Something's amiss. Shouldn't men's Olympic volleyball be more reminiscent of, oh i don't know.... THIS??


(Do you think they have the net at about 4'9" so Tom Cruise can actually reach it?)

Some other Olympic observations:
Bob Costas is a tool.

Exactly how many boxing matches ARE there? Every time I turn on CSNBCUSAXYZPDQ it's all boxing all the time. Although I do love me some Teddy Atlas and have found him to be the only interesting thing worth watching on that channel.

Tim Daggett wears more make up than Elfie Shlagel or whatever her name is.

Tiki Barber should not, I repeat NOT be allowed to commentate, pontificate, facilitate or do anything else involving a microphone and broadcasting. Tiki. Honey. You were tolerable (mildly) on the Today show, grating on Project Runway, and downright painful to watch during the 30 seconds of your Olympic coverage I was able to stomach.

Greatest Olympic name: Dong Dong, the Chinese trampoline 'athlete'. Go ahead, try to say it without giggling.

Hey, you think the Jamaican runners are using some kind of "performance enhacing substance"? Just wondering....

Finally, and on a completely different topic -
I have not watched the last 3 episodes of PR (I hear ya, Clai - they bore me too) so I really can't comment on what's going on with the show this season. But I thought you all might enjoy seeing how I'm doing in the fantasy league...

team_hotpants' Project Runway
-8 Points, this week.
-7 Points, total this season.
4366th On this week's leaderboard
4089th On the overall leaderboard

Jamie, that should make you feel a little better.

Another gogo with Jojo...

Okay, add Lipstick Jungle to the list of 'Shows I Should Be Watching As If I Had The Time' which also includes KQ's favorite MadMen and Californication which was recommended by somebody at the coffee shop, probably Shane.

This week's recap features another guest appearance by none other than Jojoagogo, now dancing at the Stewartstown VFW. Just kiddin'. Down to business, we already know from last week that this week's guest is Brooke Shields. Ya gotta love Brooke. I think grace is her middle name. It's been awhile since the episode and I'm a little foggy but here are my highlights (speaking of which I really need to make an appt. w/Angie, the only colorist in Duck)...

Blayne... Bratty Blayne... Crazy Blayne... I am so over with the hoodies already, and the 'licious, ... dude, you are so not crazy but you do almost take Leann out which needs to be done if only for that really weird ruched burgundy add-a-cowl thing she was sporting. Leanne complains she has 'lost her confidence' which is hard to do if you didn't have any to begin with. Tim's comment about the whole shorts debacle was 'its not a bad idea' but I interpreted that to be the equivalent of the infamous mom comment 'he might have a nice personality'. Even Brooke was initially a little scared of Blayne's design... aren't we all a little scared of Blaynanoma? Jojo points out that yet another design manages to make a model's size -2 hips look big. Bad, bad, bad. Heidi points out his model looks like she got dressed without a mirror... umm, have y'all really looked, I mean LOOKED at Leann?

Jojoagogo totally calls the fact that all the models will be sporting Brooke-like tresses courtesy of the Tresemme hair salon. Everybody drink.

Suede, 37, amazingly claims to remember Brooke's Calvin Klein ads.. barely, I'm sure. Suede gets all Mr. High Maintenance on Terri resulting in Terri's rather crass 'I'm not -bleep- feeding any babies'. For the record, she's still on my team and I'm sure she said breast because she would never use any of the euphemism I hate for this part of a woman's body and I hate ALL of them...

Korto's got a veggie thing going on... first the gourd dress, now the sweet potato jacket but I love the way she handles Joe, refusing to push him under that old, tired, broken down bus that Bravo keeps using.

Jerrell, Jerrell, Jerrell... If I'd remembered to change my team you wouldn't be on it but Flyboy claims 'he's due'. Yeah, due to go home after last week's Peter Pan hat. But all my eggs end up in his basket and I am so crossin' fingers when he pulls out the 'Ms. Shields' card. What home-training. Brooke worries a bit about the belt but Michael and Heidi love it reminding her with their snarky comments that 'Brooke don't know fashion'. Jarrell, I am so worried about the man dress look you are sporting. The runway is about your MODEL not YOU.... nevertheless you are THE man tonight, my MAIN man, because no way are they gonna let Keith and Kenley's mermaid skirt top you... WWWHHHHAAATTT??? OMG, call BravoTV... the PR judges have gone straight from smokin' crack to crystal meth. Unbelievable.

Kelli's parting comment 'I have no regrets'... you're gonna regret those full arm tatts one day, honey. Daniel & Kenley's crush is OVER... Stella gets to work with Leatha.. plus she's totally channeling Cher for awhile there with the pigtails and everything which actually kind of works for her.

Jojagogo's Coors Light Comment of the Night: Michael Kors, 'Slutty, slutty, slutty'. So under the breath in the girl's bathroom, so catlike, so Michael.

Are designers getting money now for using Mood totes all the time? Why do we never see fights over shoes at the Bluefly Accessories wall? Could Heidi just STOP looking younger every week? Could I get a hug from Tim? Oooo, up next- DRAG QUEENS!!! Whoo-hoo! Perfect for a season that doesn't really have a Priscilla-like contestant. (Can't wait to have Chris back.) But pause for thought a minute over this astute parting observation from Jojoagogo- why are they asking them to make a 'costume' when the judges are always complaining about things being 'costumey'? It's a question for the ages.. or at least until next week's recap... I'll miss you Jojo! But I'll be taking notes for future costume ideas for your 'routines'....

I'm cabbage patching right now...

13.. count 'em, THIRTEEN points last night... I almost blew by Claiborne but NO, she had to go and get ten points... and then there's flyboy still out there with 30 but I'm telling you Mr. Fancypants- I'm coming to GIT CHA!! Thank god for little points, cause that's all I got last night but they sure do add up! Stay tuned for a recap of last night's episode... and would somebody issue an APB for Katherine?

A Little PR with Jojoagogo

Got to enjoy a little Project Runway last week with faithful QB reader Jojoagogo. Over a few glasses of wine, couple bottles of beer, amidst the drama of sewing machine sabotage and patriotic fervor I forgot to ask her about that name. Is she a huge Wham! fan? Does she wish instead of lawyer, mother and wife she was Bubbles down at Girls! Girls! Girls!? Jojoagogo- inquiring minds WANT to know- what’s with the name? Back to PR, Episode 4 and random thoughts from Rings of Glory...

I don’t know what annoys me most about Blayne- the tanning addiction or the hoodies obsession; right now it’s a close tie. I wish he would just go the F away. Can’t decide if Kenley’s switch to a huge flower in her hair instead of feathers is an improvement. Her friggin’ headpieces are like a birds vs. bees fight. Field Trip!! As soon as they enter Armory Track & Field place I know there’s some kind of Olympic challenge coming up. Call me psychic if you will, but it isn’t that hard to stay one step ahead of the PR producers sometimes. The gym is empty save for an in-line skater who happens to be none other than… huh? Who is that guy? Next to me Jojoagogo is practically peeing her pants (thank god it’s a leather couch)- “Apolo ! It’s Apolo Ohno!” Damn. I thought it was Marc Andre Fleury from the Penguins but apparently its his look-a-like Olympic gold medalist Apolo with this week’s challenge! Design an outfit that a Team USA athlete would be proud to wear at opening ceremonies which of course, just happen to be on Friday. (With Jojoagogo as my witness, I totally called this challenge as soon as Tim introduced Apolo). HUGE budget on this one- $130. And off we go to Mood.

Back to the work room… looks like Kenley and Daniel have one of those work-room crushes going on- all sibling giggles and teasing (and then POW: sibling rivalry as later Kenley convinces Daniel to lose the bolero that may have saved him here.) Stella not only has these huge vicious spikes coming out of her clothes today but she, naturally, has bought black for her outfit. I believe one of her comments was she wanted Team USA to look ‘bad ass’. On Chinese soil, I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Blayne goes with the whole literal one-shouldered toga imagery but his outfit looks like a prototype for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Barbie! Includes triple layer pollution mask! And button that says “Mr. President- I’m waiting for my butt smack!”… I digress.. But apparently Blayne is so tanning desperate he’s seeing everything in cold, stark white these days hence the domination of the color in his outfit.

Terri- come on girl, I picked you again for my team but I’m worried about the bustier thing- there aren’t too many female Olympic athletes out there with the bosoms to hold one of those things up- and muscle doesn’t sag so they definitely don’t need any push-up help. (But she does pull it off- not enough to rack up any points for me, though.)

Joe with the zippers- very witty; I like Joe, he’s a dark horse AND he finally gets me some points by fighting with another designer and accusing one of messing with his machine. Woo-hoo! Jerrell- I am dropping you from my team next week. Your Olympic outfit scared me man; and between your weird little Peter Pan hat and the Little Bo Peep look of your model the two of you looked like you got lost looking for the cafeteria on the Warner Brothers lot.

I have renamed Jennifer “Dorothy” because she needs to go back to Kansas. She says how in high school she was a ‘dancer and a gymnast and a cheerleader’ and that’s exactly what happens when there are only 80 people in your high school. I’m sorry, but this girl is just so out of her league here that Tim used both these words to describe her outfit ‘matronly’ and ‘junior’- can’t we please do her a favor and send her home? Huge sigh of relief… they do. And as she is taking her last walk off the runway, Jojo notices she is wearing red pumps. Goodbye Dorothy.

Some of my favorite comments (I’ll attribute them if I can remember which inane person uttered them): ‘Uniforms make everyone look generic’ … duh, I think that’s the point. Jarrell calls Blaine ‘Tanorexic’ Here’s another one from me ‘blayneanoma’, Tim just can’t get his mouth around ‘cha’ in ‘holla at cha boy’ and persists in saying ‘cher’; Heidi actually says ‘idears’, I think its when she’s wearing the chain mail… When Michael Kors during judging uses finger quotations around the word ‘athletic’ and Kelli says her outfit is ‘not 100% relevant to the Olympics’ I want to remind them both that this was an OLYMPICS challenge. Jeezus.

So Korto wins, of course I took her off my team this week. I think she’s going to be strong. Love Terri’s jeans and black top, wish I could see Daniel after the show kicking Kelly’s ass for making him lose the bolero and…. See you after Episode 5!

I'm a debutante!

Just in case anyone missed it, I have finally scored some points. In fact, my whopping nine points from last night not only sees me debuting at the #4 spot on the Queen Beaches group page, but also ranks me overall on fafarazzi as 138th for this week's episode and 1,367 overall.

Look out Flyboy, HepmehepmeTim is comin' to get cha!

Could I get a friggin' point over here please?!

Just a little, bitter, reminder that it is Tuesday which means Project Runway is on tomorrow which means you better run over to Fafarazzi.com and evaluate your team roster. I've been considering my utter lack of points so far this season which leads to my status on the leader board- N/A. How humiliating. I'm thinking about auctioning off the rights to choose my weekly team roster on E-bay. Don't knock it, some guy just paid $8k for a dorito that looks like Dale Earnhardt. Wish me luck....

TONIGHT ON BRAVO...

Welcome to Judy's World-O-Beauty in Anywhere-Small-Town, USA. Judy's has been struggling for some time and the owners, Mark-n-Anthony, aren't sure how much longer they'll be able to stay afloat. Half their customers have disappeared this year and while Mark thinks it is a sign of the forthcoming rapture, Anthony is pretty sure it is Mark's failing eyesight and stubborn refusal to wear glasses. They've had to let most of their other stylists go and are now down to manicurist Tranh, a 70 year old shampoo 'girl' named Bess and receptionist/hair sweeper/girl Friday- Dawyn. What they don't know this Friday morning is that Sabrina Bryan, the Queen of Mean from Bravo TV's Shear Genius, is on her way right now to their salon....

SABRINA'S SALON TAKEOVER

Sabrina (striding purposefully through the door as Mark-n-Anthony stand gaping at the sight): Right then, what the (bleep) is going on here?

Anthony: ohmyGOD!!! It's Sabrina!! Mark, our prayers to Jennifer Lopez have been answered! Sabrina is here to save us!

Mark: What? Where? Is that Mr. Magoo?

Sabrina: Did you just (bleeping) compare me to a dingbat old man? I'm here to (bleepin) save you (bleepin) (bleeps) and you insult me the second I walk through the door?

Anthony: Mark, you douchebag, I told you you needed glasses!! Its S-A-B-R-I-N-A from Shear Genius! She's going to help us!

Mark: Oh sweetie, she scares the livin' daylights outta me.

Sabrina: Scary? I'll show you (bleepin) scary- 'ave you seen the cuts you've been sending out of this (bleep) hole lately? We've had a hidden camera on this (bleepin) shop all week and look what kind of (bleep) you've been sending out of here.

(fade to videos of very bad haircuts)

Mark (now crying and clinging to Anthony): Oh honey, don't leave me, you're the wind beneath my wings, I'm so sorry, I'll do anything. I'll listen to the witch, just DON'T LEAVE...

Sabrina: I'm sorry did you just call me a (bleepin) witch?

(door in back of shop opens, in strides Gordon Ramsey)

Gordon: I'm sorry, are we disturbing you in here? We're trying to (bleepin) transform the (bleepin) restaurant next door but with all the racket over here we can't get anything (bleeping) done!

Sabrina: Oh, put a sock in it Ramsey.

Gordon: You stupid, stupid cow. Do you have any idea how (bleepin) important I am? Do you? What's this then- (bleeping) Hair Nightmares? How very (bleeping) original.

Sabrina: Look, why don't you put your little apron back on and go back to your (bleeping) cookies and let me get some real work done.

Gordon: You idiot! Are you really that dense? (Bleep) (bleeping) (bleepity) (bleepoty) (bleep)!

(Pan to Anthony lying on the floor in a pile of hair clippings clutching his chest)

Tranh: Escuse me somebody, but I think Mister Anthony sick.

Dawyn (on cell phone): ... so then this guy said 'whatever' and I said 'whatever' and then, get this, Rachel says 'whatever Major Loser'!

Gordon: I'm sick of this! I'm sick of the whole lot of you! Do you really think you can do a (bleepin) business makeover show better than me? Oh, piss off!!

(storms out front door and into a taxi)

Sabrina: Toff.

Mark (on the floor beside his lover, holding his hand): Anthony, honey, say something, say anything!

Anthony: Darling, I'm so cold.. I see a long tunnel.. wait, there's something glowing ... its getting closer... its... its... Jennifer Lopez... in de la Renta!

Mark: Run, Anthony, run to the light!

Sabrina (on cell phone): Look, I don't give a (bleep) who he's in a meeting with. You tell him Sabrina is on the phone and this whole deal just (bleeping) (bleeps).

Camera moves to Bess who is shuffling around, shaking her head, collecting her purse and coat. muttering.. 'I knew cable TV was the work of the devil.'

Hey- it could happen!