The Sciatic chronicles

So it turns out that narcotics aren't as much fun as I thought they'd be. This sciatic thing still hurts like a m*%$##@! f%!@#*er, and I'm completely over it for many reasons: 1) um...it HURTS! 2) i feel like a 90 year old man every time I mention my "sciatic pain." 3) 9 days of pain meds are doing a number on me so i'm nauseated all the time, but can't stop taking them because...it HURTS! Actually, I can get through the day ok although i seem pretty stoned most of the time, but here on the outer banks that doesn't draw any attention. It's trying to sleep at night that gets challenging, and thus I have learned that other than the Sopranos, the Wire, Mad Men & Project Runway everything else on tv sucks. Witness:

a) Real Housewives of NYC. Jamie has commented on this one before, but I hadn't watched it, so since there was some sort of marathon on last night, I tuned in. Holy Crap! Who the hell are these people? We have Betthheenneeeyyy with her ridiculous fake boobs, bad skin (helloo? aren't you supposed to be a natural chef or something?), total lack of self-awareness and apparently a drinking problem. I actually had to turn the channel at one point because she was so painful to watch. Then there's Alex who seriously needs to eat a carb, and with all her money evidently can't find a decent hairdresser or conditioner. We also have Jill, who lets her chihuahua (which technically is a rat, not a dog) LICK UP HER NOSE! I mean the dogs tongue seriously gets all up in her nostril. Can't you just give the damn thing a milk bone? ** shudder ** And then there's LuAnn who wants her son to be well rounded so she gets him a breakdance instructor named Cyclone. That's nice. Now he can get his ass kicked while he's spinning on his head. Finally, there's Ramona, but she just makes my head hurt so I'm done with this topic.

b) Scientists have discovered the million year old dung of a spider, beetle or some other small creature. I can't remember, but it was exciting enough to be the subject of an entire show.

c) Jay Leno is terrible. Switched to Jimmy Kimmel. I like Jimmy, I do, but his first guest was Steve "I peaked with Cocoon" Guttenberg who looks like he's had his face and neck pulled a little too tight.

And he's a tool. Don't bother watching the video, just look long enough to see his turtle-like neck. Actually, that may be what million year old turtle shit looks like. Fortunately at that point the vicodin kicked in.

d) There's a new horror flick coming out called the Ruins.

I was only half listening to the commercial the other night while in my drug induced haze, but I gather it's something about some haunted ancient ruins and some sort of supernatural "beast" that is killing people from the inside out. All I know is, I heard the character say "It's INSIDE me" and I turned to the tv in time to see the title pop up on screen and I SWEAR I thought it said THE RUNS. Now that's scary.